


Don't Forget Me

by alittleskinnydip



Category: Free!
Genre: College AU, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Memory Loss, in which haru is a stuck up little shit, in which makoto blacks out and can't remember the previous eventful night, in which makoto is a damn good person to have a one night stand with cuz he'll make you breakfast, makoharu - Freeform, maruka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-12 05:32:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittleskinnydip/pseuds/alittleskinnydip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto wakes up after a spontaneous night of heavy drinking. It's all a part of the normal college experience, he tells himself, until he notices the half naked, blue eyed boy in his bed whose name he can't seem to remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I guess it comes as no surprise that this happened. It would be weird if I went through college without at least blacking out once.. even though I don't drink that often. And now I definitely remember why. My head feels like it's going to explode at the slightest noise. Even moving my sheets.. the sound is so painful. I really can't handle liquor.

My back aches as I push my tired body up and swing my legs over the edge of my bed. I can barely crack my eyes open without experiencing a wave of nausea. My apartment is freezing and it feels really good against my now uncovered legs. My blankets are still hanging over my back and torso. I really would rather not move, I silently offer my prayers to whatever God exists out there for canceling class. Teachers sent out a mass email last night that all classes would resume on Monday after the snowstorm passed... and that's probably why I ended up going to my friend's party. Considering I almost never go out on Friday nights... I felt like I owed it to myself. And that's probably why I let myself drink when normally I wouldn't. I can't even remember what came over me to be honest.

I finally convince my legs to move after staring into space for a noticeable while. I stand, letting the blankets fall off me, completely exposing me to the cold. A horrid shiver jolts through my system. Why the hell did I decide to sleep in my boxers? I wonder as I trudge into the bathroom and turn on the water in the shower. That would probably clear my head, right? I frown when I see myself in the mirror. My hair was a complete mess and there were dark circles under my eyes. And.. strange red marks all across my upper body.. Why couldn't I remember anything? I run my hands through my hair, trying to look somewhat less unsightly before I leave to get my towel.

I stretch my hands over my head as I walk back to my room and listen as all my joints pop and crack. The extent of how sore I am... it feels like I jumped off the roof of the apartment. I can't shake off the feeling that there should be at least something in my memories retained from last night; something that would probably do me some good remembering.

“Are you gonna use the shower now?”

I freeze. What the hell..? I turn towards my bed and only now realize there's a figure laying on the left side, still half covered by my blankets. I seriously didn't notice... The voice was soft and tentative, maybe even harboring a hint of embarrassment. And when our eyes lock, I'm swimming in a sea of the bluest color I have ever seen. As long as I'm staring through them, I can't seem to take a proper breath. I open my mouth to speak but the words get caught in my throat. And no matter how hard I try to make my legs move, I am frozen in place with sudden realization.

There is a half naked guy in my bed.

“Uh..” is all I manage to voice after a minute, the silence is covered with the sound of the running water in the shower. He did ask me about that, didn't he? I can't really hear anything over the blood pounding in my ears. Oh god, I feel heat rising to my cheeks. Why am I blushing now, no, please no. He's staring right at me with those wide eyes and that blank expression, waiting for me to give him an answer.

“I.. uh.. was gonna wait for the water to heat up but..” my voice is shaking, “you can go ahead if you'd like.”

He nods and quickly stands, as if he was anticipating my answer. Or maybe he wasn't going to allow me to say no? The blankets fall off his thin frame, revealing toned stomach muscles and lean legs... and a lot more skin than I was mentally prepared to see.

I take back my earlier statement.

There was a completely naked guy in my bed.

My hand covers my mouth as he walks by, he's completely shameless. If my cheeks weren't red before, they are now. What... did I actually do last night? The red marks all over my skin, how horribly sore I was when I woke up, the alcohol...

Did I actually...

seriously...

sleep with him?!

My mind is suddenly blank and my hands can't stop running over the marks on my skin. The marks leave a warm feeling against my finger tips and hurt slightly when touched. But the pain isn't bad, I strangely enjoy feeling it. That guy's lips were here... probably... and on my neck, and on my chest. He definitely wasn't shy about leaving evidence. My stomach is in knots as my fingers travel from mark to mark. Was this possibly a misunderstanding? Was I jumping to conclusions?

“Hey...”

I jump, his voice startles me, and I turn around quickly to face him.

“Y-Yes?”

“Do you have an extra towel?”

I blink, the question goes right over my head as my eyes decide now is a good time to wander. I carefully look over his skin. It doesn't look like he has any marks like I do. He does look really tired though, he has the same dark circles under his eyes that I have. And his hair was sticking up and out in really amusing ways. I guess he doesn't care though, considering he hasn't fixed it like I did. Another thing I find strange is that he doesn't look cold at all. My skin is covered in goosebumps and I'm questioning why I haven't gotten dressed into something warm yet, but he looks perfectly content with the temperature... and with being naked in front of a stranger. I use every ounce of will power I have to not look down. My eyes shift only to quickly find focus on anything else. Like his beautifully toned arms, or his prominent collar bones, or his long fingers.

“If you're going to stare like that, you might as well join me.”

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when his fingers wrap around my arm and pull me towards him. “N-No, I didn't mean to stare! I'm sorry!” The words spill out without any thought to them. He narrows his eyes and looks... kind of annoyed. I begin to wonder if I've said something wrong.

He pushes me against the tiled wall, his arms framing my shoulders. Chills shake me when the cold surface comes into contact with my back, and when his wavering eyes attempt to see through me. He's so close... I feel my breath hitch when I feel just how warm he is. Why is he so warm? There's no way this could be natural.

“Makoto, do you remember anything?” he asks sounding angry. My name though... has never been spoken so eloquently before. He knows my name but I can't for the life of me remember his. I can't remember anything no matter how hard I shut my eyes and concentrate and I've never hated myself more for being a space case. He's still so close. So close that it's making my head spin. Seriously, what's come over me that I can't even keep my thoughts straight in front of a guy.

“I'm sorry,” I finally voice, gathering the courage to open my eyes again and return the stare he's giving me. “I must have been really drunk... I can't remember anything.”

He doesn't move, he doesn't stop staring, and the bathroom is slowly filling with steam from the now hot water, making it difficult to take a proper breath. I feel incredibly small under his gaze, even though I'm significantly taller than him. His presence alone was enough to make my legs shake. I press my back against the wall even further and shrink as much as I can when he draws closer. My eyes widen when he finally moves his arms from either side of me. His fingers brush along my jawline and come to rest on my cheek. In the most gentle fashion possible, he presses his lips to mine.

I physically feel my heart trying to force its way out of my chest, an incredible burning heat beginning to spill to the rest of my body from there. He tilts his head and his lips move against mine slowly. My eyes close but my hands remain glued to my sides, shaking considerably. I feel his skin starting to press into to mine, our bodies coming closer and closer to each other. It's hot... no, not just hot, it's searing. His hands wind around my back and pull me off the wall. His lips part with mine and I can't breathe. I'm not even sure if I can remain standing. What am I doing? My hands finally move and I slide one hand up his back, over his neck, and stop on the back of his head, letting my fingers get lost in his black hair. I'm not thinking clearly, I'm definitely hung over, or maybe I'm just... going with the moment? I'll think of an excuse later; I tell myself that as I pull him back in and return the kiss. His lips just feel too good against mine, they just fit perfectly, and I can tell that he thinks so too. His hands travel up my naval, stopping over my chest and touching the marks he left me with. He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and bites, pulling back a bit. I groan when I feel his hips press against mine harshly. My other hand is now holding on to his waist in a pathetic desperate attempt to keep him in place. But it definitely doesn't look like he's planning to stop when my eyes slip open and meet his again. There is such intensity in his gaze that I can't help wanting to look away, but at the same time, I could get lost in them so easily without even realizing it. There was something familiar about that stare, I'm sure I could have thought of it if I kept staring, but he was growing impatient and the tiny smirk in his expression was seemingly teasing, like he was begging for me to make a move on my own. I know very well that diving in now would mean being swept up and I would end up sinking fast... and strangely, I couldn't care less.

“Makoto...” his voice is just a whisper against my ear, I'm almost sure I imagined it until his hands are suddenly pushing me back. That teasing expression disappeared just as quickly as it came. His eyes are narrow again, glaring at me rather than gazing, and I feel my stomach twist into knots.

“What?” I only now realize that I've been holding my breath. My hands fall off of his skin and back to my side, like I've crossed some kind of line I shouldn't have. He's angry. When just a moment ago he seemed to be so into it... Wait, what am I saying? I can't figure out why I'm feeling so anxious; is it because I might be rejected in a few seconds? By some stranger whose name I can't even remember...

“Don't waste water.”

I blink a few times, confused by his completely out of place statement. He turns without saying another word about the water, or what we were just doing, or the blur that is last night, and gets into my shower, pulling the curtain closed behind him.

“...”

Again, the words that I want to say get lost somewhere along the way from my thoughts to my mouth and I'm left standing there, mouth open but silent. I feel completely out of place in my own home, standing here while someone else showers, and the feeling is so unsettling that I decide to simply turn and walk back into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. My eyes scan the room now that I'm considerably more awake. I notice my clothes and his scattered and mixed on the floor near my bed. I notice his cell phone resting on the window sill, a small light in its corner blinking green. I notice a torn condom wrapper carelessly tossed towards the trash bin, just laying on the floor in the open. I bring a hand up to my forehead, pushing my hair back out of my eyes, still in some state of shock. My back falls against the now closed bathroom door. What the hell just happened?

 

-

 

My kitchen is tiny in comparison to the rest of my apartment. There is barely enough room for more than just me behind the counter, but I guess I never really thought about that before. I've never had someone spend the night, let alone under these circumstances. This was definitely a new chapter of my life. I smile though, thinking about how funny this would look to anybody who knew me from back home. I had a wonderful upbringing, I had a loving family, I kept my grades fairly high which got me into a great college... and here I am standing in my tiny kitchen, cooking breakfast for someone I've apparently just had a one night stand with; a stranger whose name I couldn't remember and... just happened to be a guy. I laugh to myself when the entire scenario repeats itself in my head. What could have led me to this? I shrug, losing my train of thought as I crack three eggs into the frying pan on my stove. Considering I didn't have much else, scrambled eggs was the best I could do. In just a few minutes, they finish cooking and I divide them among two plates. I tap my foot while waiting for the toast to finish too.

I feel a rush of adrenaline when the water shuts off. I continue preparing breakfast as if I hadn't heard the door open. I can hear his bare footsteps against the cold floor and I imagine his actions accordingly. I picked up our clothes before I started breakfast, getting dressed myself and folding his, leaving them on a chair near the bed. When his footsteps suddenly stop, I figure he noticed that they were no longer on the floor. The rustle of fabric could be heard and I unwillingly imagine him dressing. I can imagine him pulling the blue boxers up over his waist where my hands were just a little bit ago. I imagine him pulling his legs through his jeans and covering the skin I was very well focused on before our heated encounter. I imagine him pulling the long sleeved v-neck over his toned frame and how it would rest just a little past the hem line of his jeans, and how his collar bones would still be visible through the top. I take in a shaky breath when I realize exactly what was going through my head.

The sudden whistle of the tea kettle pulls me back into reality. His footprints are growing louder and I hastily move the kettle to a different place on the stove. Pulling two small cups I set out earlier closer to the stove, I pour the boiling water and try my best to look as natural as possible, as if I wasn't just imagining him dressing... or thinking about him in that kind of state. When I turn around, he is taking slow steps through the hallway, staring intently at his phone. I'm pretty sure that he's completely forgotten that he was in my home to begin with or that I existed until he stepped into the kitchen.

“Listen, I have to...” he begins to say, but stops when he sees me lay out two plates at the table. He doesn't move until I finish setting down the toast and the tea onto the table. I look up and offer him a smile, maybe he would stop frowning so much if I showed him some kindness.

“What's this?” he asks coldly. The very opposite of what I was hoping for.

I take a seat at the table, “I made breakfast.”

He remains standing, watching curiously as I take a sip of tea. His grip on his cell phone tightens and his eyes dart around the room.

“That plate is for you, you know?” I tease as he eyes me curiously.

“Why?”

I roll my eyes, “Because it's morning, it's like below 0 outside, and I figured you were probably hungry,” I continue to eat as if nothing was out of place, “I'm right, aren't I?” Ignoring how much my stomach was turning, I still anticipate a cold answer in return. But... instead, he slips his phone into his pocket. Unfortunately still wearing a frown, he takes a seat at the table across from me and stares at the plate in front of him. I smile when he looks up.

“Sorry that I don't have anything better,” I try to laugh, “I don't really have much money left after paying off my books for the semester.”

He picks up the tea and takes a small sip, and I notice as his eyes widen a little, probably marveling at the flavor. He looks up again but I answer him before he speaks.

“It's ginger peach, pretty good, right?” I smile. His expression really does tell more than his words do. I find it pretty cute. He gives a slight nod and starts to eat. I'm relieved to say the least, the flavor is rather unique but... I order it special from a local tea shop. I guess I felt like I should at least offer him something more to remember the morning by. Then again, I'm not sure why I care that he remembers at all when I couldn't. 

I look up, catching his blue eyes for barely a second before he shifts them down at the table. I feel a pang of guilt. Is this why he was really angry earlier? I didn't think about it this way but... I was being really insensitive, wasn't I? The last thing I can remember from last night is being handed a drink. Everything after that gets really blurry, there's flashes of me stumbling through crowds, flashes of more drinks in my hand, and there's times where I remember being really cold, maybe I was outside even. I can't recall a single face or a single word I might have seen or said, but at some point I had to have met him. I had to have said something to him, I must have done something... if we ended up back here. My thoughts halt at the realization that something had to have been special to him if... he didn't leave in the middle of the night. And suddenly, the impending reminder that he might walk out my door in a few minutes without any hesitation and that would be the end of it... really hurt. He might forget about me as soon as he leaves and... I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be just that one night stand or just someone he picked up for the night.

Is that how I made him feel? Like he wasn't worth remembering?

My eyes widen when I see him standing and pushing his chair in. He was finished already?! Then again, we haven't spoken a word since we started eating. I'm panicking as he continues to walk farther away from the table. I don't remember him having a jacket and I'm proven right when he immediately heads for the front door.

“I have to go.”

He left half of the breakfast untouched.

“Wait!” I stand quickly and very nearly knock over my tea. He doesn't stop moving and starts to slip his shoes on.

“Hold on!” I yell again, rushing to his side. He finishes tying his shoes and stands, facing me and giving me a cold, closed off glance. His eyes bare into mine, they don't waver when it's obvious that I'm holding back tears. I guess I was always bad at holding back my emotions and in this moment I really wished I wasn't. I don't want to seem so transparent in front of him. How did it come to this?

“Can...” I bite my lip, I can't fathom why it matters, I have no idea what I want to even ask, “Can I call you some time?”

That burning feeling resurfaces and my hands shake visibly when he doesn't give an immediate reply. The silence surrounds us as I wait, adrenaline coursing through me. I flinch when I see him move. His eyes shift to the side and then down, I hear him sigh as he turns and opens my door.

“Try to remember my name before asking something like that.”

The words ring loudly in my ears. He closes the door behind him, and just like that, he is gone.

I stay still in the same place for a long time, holding my breath and listening to my heart pounding in my ears, combating the ringing. I know that I can't let it go, because if I do, I'll cry. I'll spill tears over a stranger, and how insensible was that? To shed tears over someone who was barely in my life for a day. If I turn around, it's like he was never even here. Of course... I was being stupid. I willfully force my hands to stop shaking, finally letting out the breath I was holding. This was a mistake. Immediate pain floods my senses and unwarranted tears spill from my eyes. This was completely unwarranted. My chest aches as I reenter the kitchen, taking the half empty plates from the table and placing them in the sink. I do the same with the tea cups, noticing that he at least drank all of the tea. I place them out of sight and out of mind, and head back into my bedroom. His clothes are gone, no longer tossed carelessly on my floor or folded in my chair. His cell phone was in his pocket, not resting on my window sill. His body wasn't covered by my blankets, they were laying vacantly on my bed. Give it a day maybe and I'll forget the rest of it too, like how his lips felt against mine, or how warm his skin was under my fingertips. If I go about my day like none of this happened, maybe I can convince my heart that it didn't matter. This was nothing. This was me getting drunk and being irresponsible, and he was nobody. Just nobody. This was another part of life and tons of people do it, right? It doesn't matter. I repeat that over and over in my head, forcing myself to smile until the burning feeling in my chest lessens a bit. I head into the bathroom and look around, making sure that nothing was out of place, and it wasn't. In fact, I was going to shower before any of this happened. I'll pretend my day is just starting now. I'll continue from where it was unwillingly stopped. My hands turn the water back on, just like they did this morning. I strip off the light t-shirt I ended up putting on before starting breakfast and pull off my gym shorts too. This was fine. I take a deep breath when I feel the steam refilling the room, the warmth feeling good against my chilled skin. I stick my hand under the raining water, making sure it was warm enough to get in. The water hit my skin, and it was slightly too hot, burning me a little but... I don't think I really mind right now. It would be great if I could just take off this layer of skin, littered with reminders of something that didn't matter... right? They would go away eventually... and as soon as they were gone, so would be this half complete memory. I turn towards the mirror to examine just how bad they are, but the steam has already fogged up the mirror.

My heart stops.

Written across my mirror in big, neat letters...

Haruka.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> banana pancakes, nagisa's benefit, a friendly tease

“Haruka.”

I've repeated the name to myself a dozen times already, committing it to memory, promising myself I would never let it leave my thoughts again. I also decide that Haruka was the worst type of person. He does this after he leaves?! He does this after I've already decided to forget all this and pretend it never happened? After I've begun to lock the feelings out of my heart, after he left so... heartlessly!

Honestly...

I sigh. No... that's not how I feel at all. I'm the heartless one. He made me feel how I probably made him feel, and truth be told, I deserved all of that. I've never felt lower. I cover my body with the blankets on my bed, my hair still wet from the shower dripping cold water onto my exposed shoulders. I let myself fall back onto the bed and I slide onto the side that Haruka slept on. I want to remember. I want my memories from last night to resurface, all of them. I want to know exactly what I said to him and how we ended up coming back to my apartment and I want to remember what we did afterward...

My eyes widen. I scramble through the sheets, tossing them off the bed recklessly. I'm so stupid. So so stupid. There was a really simple answer to this, wasn't there?! I hear a loud clank and I climb off the bed, picking up my cell phone off the floor that must have been lost in the sheets. I slide it up and unlock the phone, scrolling through my contacts looking for my one and only true hope left right now.

My friend who threw the party last night...

Nagisa.

I take a deep breath before clicking the call button and bringing the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Ah, Nagisa!”

“Mako-chan! Oh thank god, you're alive!”

I laugh at his dramatic greeting, “Yeah, somehow.”

“I've never seen you get that drunk before, I was really worried there for a while. Really really worried! You're horrible.”

“You really shouldn't let me drink that much next time.” I truly mean that. I never want a repeat of this morning's hangover again.

“You need to get your tolerance up! But I don't want you that belligerent ever again... it was pretty bad.”

I nod to myself. “Ah... that reminds me. I can't really... uh... seem to remember anything after showing up to your place. Can you give me any kind of recap?”

I can hear shuffling in the background noise and people speaking, though I can't make out what they're saying. I can't believe that people are still there. Nagisa's hushed voice also comes through.

“Eh? Sorry, I missed what you said. Actually, we're going to get breakfast! You should come with, perfect hangover food~”

“Nagisa, I don't have any money,” I admit.

“No worries! It's on me, you deserve it after the hell I put you through. Just the usual place right off campus. Meet us there in like ten minutes!”

Nagisa is the kind of person who didn't like to give someone the option to say no. Because before I could even give him an answer, he had already hung up. He has this overwhelming personality that normally I don't mind, he is a very good friend after all, but my hangover is killing me... and the thought of going outside when the weather was this horrible doesn't sound appealing at all. I soon realize that all my questions, knowing Nagisa, would be dodged unless asked face to face. The best way to get answers about what happened last night would be to actually go and meet like he wants to. I look out my window, squinting at just how bright this morning is. Using my best judgment, I'd say there is definitely over a foot of snow on the ground. The walk to the diner isn't that far, it's barely a 10 minute walk, if I left now I'd get there on time but... maybe I was a little scared to learn the truth about last night. I shake my head; my feelings don't matter right now. Haruka, unfortunately, is what matters.

 

-

 

“Mako-chan! Over here!” The cheery voice yells to me the second I walk into the diner, and all other eyes are on me as well. I spot the little blond sitting at a far corner table along with two others. I kick the snow off of my shoes before walking further inside. It's so warm and I'm thankful because the tips of my fingers are so frozen that I couldn't be sure if they were even still on my hand without checking. I pull my scarf a little higher up in attempt to hide my face from all the stares I was receiving and quickly shuffle to the table, taking the vacant seat left for me.

“You're always so loud...” I murmur to the giggling boy. I look up and notice the two friends Nagisa had brought with him.

“Ah, nice to see you two again, Rei, Gou.”

“Kou,” she snaps coldly, “I told you last night.” The angry stare I receive chills me worse than the weather has.

“You can't really blame him for not remembering. I'm honestly surprised he managed to get home,” Rei laughs, offering me a kind smile with a seeming promise to have my back in times of need. At least that's what it feels like when Kou's face immediately softens.

“I guess you have a point.”

“Mako-chan, what do you want?” Oh right, I completely forgot that they were here for breakfast. My stomach hasn't settled since the silence filled my apartment again, and that half breakfast from earlier would sustain me, right?

“I actually already ate, don't worry about getting me anything!” I quickly respond. “More importantly-”

“Makoto! Breakfast is important! What did you have? Was it enough? I thought you said you didn't have any money!” Rei frantically expresses his nonsensical worries.

I laugh, “I had some eggs left from the last time I did groceries.”

“That's not nearly enough!” Nagisa cries, “You'll starve, Mako-chan!”

“Have something with bananas! Bananas are good for hangovers!” Kou adds. This wasn't going to end, was it? I sigh to myself and silently try to remember what the cheapest and smallest thing I could order from here was.

“Just get me a banana then! That doesn't matter right no-”

“HEY WAITER!” Nagisa yells. Oh my god... I hide my face in my hands when our server returns to our table with an obvious annoyed look.

“Can you add some pancakes topped with bananas to our order?” Nagisa asks with a cheeky grin. The server nods, taking the note down and walking back to the table he was serving before Nagisa's sudden outburst.

“I swear to god, Nagisa...” Rei shakes his head in shame.

“I have no idea how you aren't hungover right now, this isn't fair at all,” Kou whines, letting her head sink to the table.

“Hehe, I may be small but I have an amazing tolerance!” he beams, “Unlike this guy here.” He nudges me with his elbow. 

“Nagisa, can you-”

“One of these days you're gonna drink too much and I'm not gonna be there to save your ass, and you'll be sorry for not listening to me,” Rei interrupts me. He pushes his glasses up as Nagisa rolls his eyes.

“Yeah yeah, that's like saying one of these days, Gou-chan will finally stop teasing that one redhead and actually let him take her out,” Nagisa laughs.

“Nagisa plea-”

“I'll have you know that last night we-”

_God dammit!_

“I need answers!” I raise my voice without meaning to, but the frustration is getting to me.

“Eh? What's wrong?” The table grows silent, they all stare at me anticipating what I'm going to ask. This is why I wanted to ask discretely.

I take a deep breath before speaking. “Sorry... I can't really remember anything from yesterday. It's kind of important that I remember so... could you give me a summary of what happened after I showed up?” Having to ask in the first place was embarrassing enough, but with their eyes trained on me, I couldn't help but turn bright red. This was turning out to be a really horrible day for me so far.

“Well that comes as no surprise...” Rei mutters more to himself than me.

“Stop it, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, taking a slightly more serious tone. He turns to face me. “I didn't expect so many people to show up, honestly. The word must have gotten out and when classes were canceled, everybody saw it as an opportunity to come. I handed you some vodka as soon as you walked in... since, you know, it's rare for you to come out to these things. I wanted you to enjoy yourself.”

“You never listen to me,” Rei grumbles under his breath. Nagisa throws him a death glare.

He groans, “Yes, Rei-chan told me not to give you any more, but a few minutes later you found me and asked if I had any more vodka so I wasn't gonna deny you! Seems like you really took to it, heh.” He laughs a bit before continuing. “After that, I didn't see you again for an entire hour. I'm sure you probably got more to drink from other people so I can't help you with that one, people brought a lot of different stuff.”

I nod, “Okay but... err... did you at any point see me... talking to someone? Or leaving... with someone?”

“Huh? Hmm... not like anything out of the ordinary. You basically just disappeared until you left around 2am. Did you see him with anybody, Rei-chan? Gou-chan?”

“Hmph.”

“Now that you mention it, I remember seeing Makoto standing out on the balcony with someone at some point,” Rei adds while pushing up his glasses, “They left the door open and it was freezing, so I closed it.”

“Who was it?!” I shout, standing from my seat a bit. I don't entirely mean to react that way, my body moves on its own when suddenly I'm shown a little hope.

“Makoto... did something happen last night?”

I sink back down to my chair.

“You better have not done anything in my bed!” Nagisa suddenly cries, “Oh my god, look how red he is! MAKO-CHAN! You didn't, right?!”

“N-No! Of course not!”

“Well how would you know if you can't remember?” Kou teases, hands folding under her chin.

I roll my eyes, “That would be why I'm asking you guys. Rei, who was I talking to? Was it a guy?”

“I'm pretty sure it was. He had black hair and was shorter than you.”

Yup, that's probably him, so I did meet him at the party.

“Nagisa, what do you know about a Haruka?” I boldly ask.

“Hmmm.. ah! You mean Haruka Nanase?” Nagisa asks. I feel my chest tighten as the full name is spoken out loud. It has to be some kind of sin to forget a name that beautiful.

“All I know is that his name is Haruka...” I mutter.

“Eh, I wouldn't doubt that it's him, I did invite him after all. Even Rei-chan's vague description matches. He's in two of my classes, but he never talks to anybody, I thought it would be nice to give him a chance to meet some people. He just sits in the back all gloomy and doodles in his notebook most of the time. But get this, his grades are on par with Rei-chan's.”

“I sincerely doubt that,” Rei chimes in.

“No, I'm serious! He got a 90% on last week's bio test while the class average was 55..”

“Getting a good grade on a test that nobody studied for isn't that great of an achievement,” Rei argues, “And just so you know I got a 100% on that test.”

I roll my eyes again, “Can we focus on what's important, please?”

Nagisa turns his sudden attention to me and my poor choice of wording. “Wait, why is this important? What happened with you and Haru-chan?” No, no, no, I did not want this question asked. I truly had to be stupid to say it like that.

“Nothing happened! I just... have to ask him something. Look, I just need a way to contact him. Can you do that for me?” I ask Nagisa, knowing that this wouldn't be easy.

“You actually spoke to the guy? Like... held a full conversation with him? I don't believe that, sorry, Mako-chan. That guy is way too unapproachable, he would have died talking to someone like you!”

“What does that mean?!”

“Well I mean... you're very easy to get along with and you're always so forward. A normal person wouldn't mind but someone like him who's completely withdrawn... like I'm not exaggerating when I say he doesn't talk to anybody. I can't believe you got him to even respond to you.”

“I can't believe you actually got him to show up,” Kou adds.

“Nagisa, I don't even remember what we talked about. I'd really like to find out though so could you just...”

“So that's all?”

I pause. I figure that it's probably a good thing Nagisa was taking this lightly. 

“Yeah.”

Better for my sake but then again, I also really do want him to do what I'm asking. I can't win with this kid, I don't think I ever have been able to. The topic gets dropped once the server brings our food to the table, and Nagisa's eyes light up like he hasn't seen a proper meal in weeks. It must be nice to get that excitable over little things. I just settle for sipping from the glass of water placed in front of me instead of eating though. The twisting knots I feel in stomach still hasn't settled I suppose. The group makes light conversation about the previous night. About how there were still people passed out drunk on the living room floor when Nagisa woke up and about how angry Rei was when he saw the incredibly messy state of the apartment. I offer to come help clean up but they insist that it's not a problem. Kou marvels about how she almost hooked up with that redhead she's been talking to, but ended up sending him home when her roommate caught her. I smile, kind of relieved to hear that nothing happened. I know someone who would be very angry if they ever got word of what she just said. I worry about her extremist mindset, but then again, I really shouldn't be one to talk right now considering how the night ended up for me. And with that on my mind, I no longer have any desire to contribute to the small talk, so I finally start eating too. To be honest, I just want to get everything sorted out so that my lungs wouldn't feel so compressed all the time. When I remember what he looked like half covered by my sheets, it gets really hard to breathe. When I remember where the red marks reside on my skin, I feel a slight burning around each one and I have to fight to keep my hands at my side. I remember how his lips fit with mine and just like that, my heart is racing again, remembering his touch, his skin, his voice, those eyes...

“Ma-ko-chan~” Nagisa sings leaning in super close.

“Eh?! What?” I inch back slightly.

“Don't look so distracted,” Nagisa nudges my shoulder with his head, “We've missed having you around.”

I smile, patting his head, “I'm sorry. I've been getting really wrapped up in my studies lately. I promise to come around more often, hopefully just to hang out though, not drink.”

Rei nods approvingly. I'll never understand how Rei can even stand living in the same apartment as Nagisa if they have such opposing views about such things. They do seem to get along really well though. It's kind of calming when I think about it. They're good people.

“How about we hang out later tonight?” Nagisa asks, “The apartment should be clean by tonight, Rei-chan probably won't let me do anything else until we're done anyway. We can just play board games or something!”

I nod, “Sure, sounds fun!” Nagisa looks excitedly at Rei, and then at Kou.

“Ah, I can't. I have a paper to finish. I was supposed to do it yesterday but you kind of derailed my plans,” Kou explains.

“Heh, I'm not even sorry. Why not do it tomorrow?” Nagisa leaned back in his chair.

“Because I have work tomorrow, so if I don't do it now, I won't do it at all. So I'm gonna head out!” With that sentence, she stands, leaving some money on the table and waving goodbye to us. I realize that I should probably start heading out too, considering I have a pile of books waiting to be read for class still waiting for me back home.

“I think I'm gonna head home too, I still have some homework left unfinished.”

“Aww, fine. But I'm serious about tonight, Mako-chan, okay?” Nagisa pouts.

“Of course,” I assure him, “Just text me with the time.” I reach for my wallet in my back pocket after I stand.

“NO! No no, I said this was on me, remember?” Nagisa suddenly shouts.

“But...”

“Nope!”

“Let him have this, Makoto,” Rei chimes in. I sigh, putting my wallet away. I wave goodbye as I head out of the diner and back across the snow covered campus to my tiny apartment.

 

-

 

My fingers are numb again. They absolutely do not work properly when I try to fish my key out of my pocket. I can't even feel the metal between my fingers, it's that cold. Why didn't I wear gloves or something? I drop it when I reach the top of the stairs. Groaning, I bend to pick it up, but when I look back up there's someone leaning against my door. Arms crossed, smug look across his face, of course, I should have seen this coming.

“Good morning, Rin.”

“Good morning yourself.” I can tell by the sound of his voice that he's kind of excited about something. I walk up beside him and unlock my door, I don't bother waiting for him to move. He turns and follows me inside without another word. Just my luck in neighbors, huh? I rub my hands together trying to bring the feeling back into my fingertips.

“Your nose is completely red. You don't dress properly at all when going out, do you? What is this flimsy thing you call a scarf?” Rin teases, taking a seat at the kitchen table after handing me his jacket.

“I guess not, and don't judge me, this is a great scarf” I laugh. I kick off my shoes, pick them up, and place them in the closet. I hang up my jacket along with Rin's.

“Let me guess, you saw me leave and have been waiting outside my door ever since?”

Rin straightens up in his seat, “Of course not!”

“Ahh, but you always have to make such a cool entrance, don't you, RinRin?”

“Tch, I told you not to call me that. And I really wouldn't be talking about cool entrances if I were you.”

I walk over to the sink where I left the dishes from this morning. I start to wash them, paying no mind what so ever to the tight feeling that overcomes my chest.

“So what brings you to my door on this fine morning? You weren't just standing there to catch a cold, right?”

“Haaah? Listen up Tachibana, I'm filing a neighborly complaint!” He slams his fist on the table, but I can tell he's still messing around.

I roll my eyes, “What for?” I dry the plates and place them back into the cabinets, followed by the tea cups.

“For keeping me up all night!”

I freeze. He can't mean...

“What..?” I ask without turning to face him. I absolutely wouldn't dare look at him now.

“Seriously, you must have been extremely hammered last night because I think that you thought that my apartment was yours. You tried to get in and when your key wouldn't work, you started knocking!”

“D-Did I?”

“Who did you expect to answer, Tachibana?! If you thought it was your own apartment, who did you really think was going to open the door?! Honest to god. Please never drink again. It had to have been like 3am or something, you seriously owe me for this,” Rin crosses his arms.

“I-Is that it..?” I turn around to catch the smirk on his face. “I'm sorry.” I immediately drop my expression, trying to look as dejected as possible. Rin's sudden look of concern is exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

“H-Hey... please don't do that. I was just kidding!” Rin stands and rushes over to me. “I was kidding! Really! You're a great neighbor! It's okay to have fun once in a while, I was just messing with you!”

I turn away from him, but I'm unable to hold the facade any longer. I break out into a fit of laughter.

“You jerk!” Rin shouts, hitting my arm halfheartedly.

“Sorry! You're really fun to mess with, you know?”

“Yeah yeah...” Rin shakes his head and sits back down at the table. “So who was that rushing out of your apartment this morning?”

_Fuck._

“You saw that?” I ask keeping my mild composure.

“Mmhmm. I was coming back from morning training. I saw him leave your apartment and he rushed past me on the stairs. He seemed oddly familiar.”

I don't fake the immediate sadness that washes over me this time. The thought of this morning still hurt to remember and I've been suppressing it for too long now. Even though my fate had been entrusted to Nagisa, it still left a very unsettled feeling lingering in my heart. There was still a huge blank in my mind, and I doubt I would be settled until my missing memories returned to me. I sit down across from Rin.

“His name is Haruka... that's all I really know.”

Rin stares blankly, unimpressed by my answer. “And?”

“And what?”

“Why was he in your apartment so early?”

“...Ah. It's nothing.”

“Makoto Tachibana, first you get ridiculously drunk, you try to break into my apartment, then you have guys coming and going so early in the morning, is this the kind of guy little innocent Mako-chan has turned into~” he teases.

“You make it sound like I lead a pretty exciting life, it's nothing like what you think~” I lie, hiding behind my well placed smile.

He studies my expression for a bit before nodding to himself and standing.

“Well, I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you were still breathing. So I guess I'll head out now. I have extra hours to put into training on Saturdays.”

“Remember me when you're a gold medalist,” I sarcastically add with a wave goodbye.

“You'll see, I'll surprise you yet. Don't underestimate me!” he says with a smile. This was something I always admired about Rin. He was unstoppable when he was fixated on a goal. I tease him a lot but I have no doubt about his capability to be the best swimmer in Japan. I only hope that I can find some dream like that for myself. He takes his jacket out of the closet. To be honest, I expected him to stay a bit longer but I guess it can't be helped if he has practice.

“Thanks for your concern, Matsuoka,” I add as he heads out the door.

“Oh! One more thing!” he shouts, one foot already out the door. I raise an eyebrow and lean forward to hear him better.

“You might want to track down that Haruka guy. It sounded like you guys really enjoyed each other last night!”

He slams the front door shut, and by now was probably already down the stairs, fully aware of just how badly I was wishing for a quick death right then and there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so who knows the rules of catan?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> catan, tension, hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who have never played catan, this is the game board> http://www.catan.com/files/pageimages/settlers-board2_grey-robber_opt.png

I'm glad that these plans were made, really. Ever since I started at the university, the work load only got bigger and bigger as time went on. It's warranted though and I have no issues doing the work. I guess I just haven't realized how often I lock myself in my apartment to study instead of seeing the people I care about. Nagisa was completely right, it has been a really long time since we just hung out. Probably months...

The long gap kind of makes me nervous when I really shouldn't be. I always tend to run my mouth when it's just us. Nagisa and Rei both have a way of making me talk about the things I'd rather leave under wraps; maybe that's what I'm more nervous about. My personal secrets getting uncovered.

The walk to Nagisa's place is short. Literally, no more than a five minute walk. We live on the same side of campus which proves to be often convenient, like take for example... a few nights ago? The snowfall has multiplied since this morning, coming way up over my ankles now. Rin had a point earlier, I didn't dress for this weather appropriately at all. Yes, my scarf was flimsy, I'm not wearing gloves, the snow is getting into my shoes, and I feel like an idiot. I'm always fussing over others that I rarely stop to take my own advice. The cold blistering my exposed skin was getting on my last nerve; some time soon I would have to buy thicker clothes. Hah... with what money?

I reach Nagisa's apartment and not a second sooner am I running up the ice covered stairs to escape the bitter winter chill. I'm sure that my skin would develop frostbite without exaggeration if I stay out there for one more breath. Although I hold on to the hand rail like my life depends on it, and it probably does. Knowing me and how clumsy I am, I could already foresee my imminent death slipping on one of the top stairs and breaking an arm or something on my topple down. Before I would receive any help, I would have to listen to Nagisa's torturous laughter and Rei's over exceeding worries, in which case... maybe I would die from embarrassment before anything else. But I push that thought to the back of my mind when I realize I'm already on the second floor and that Nagisa's door was right at the end of the hall.

Nagisa has neighbors too... I wonder how he gets away with throwing so many parties that often run way past 2am. Do the people in this apartment complex just not care? Or does Rei cover their ground each time? It must be nice to be charismatic... I laugh to myself. Nagisa says that I'm easy to get along with, I don't really see it. I feel more like a nuisance whenever I start talking about myself to others. I'm not interesting, I'm not excitable like Nagisa, I'm not extremely smart like Rei... what would people see in me anyway? What would someone who doesn't get along with anybody see in me? Someone who doesn't go out of their way to speak with others... how would that even come up?

I knock on Nagisa's door and shove my hands back into my pockets. The wind feels stronger in this narrow hallway than it does standing outside in the open. They have heating, right? I sure hope so... I don't think I could survive another few hours feeling as cold as I do now. I wince as a shiver runs down my spine, and I'm incredibly thankful when I hear the locks clicking open. I take a step forward before the door even opens because of how desperate to get out of this weather. The door opens and I feel warmth when I bump into my savior.

“Sorry, sorry, it's seriously so cold out there,” I stammer, pulling myself back, trying to suppress my violent shivers when the extreme contrast hits my skin.

“It's okay..”

_That voice..._

My eyes adjust to the lighting and finally come into focus. I see that clear blue which I still remember perfectly from this morning, and I feel my heart stop. Literally, it's completely still, I can't feel it, I can't feel anything, my entire body has gone numb. I can't feel anything aside from my lips curling upward into the tiniest smile when I only now realize it.

I'm so stupid... I should have known as soon as I felt his warmth.

“MAKO-CHAN!” I hear Nagisa yell from the other room. I pull myself off and away from the boy and without looking up, I shuffle over to Nagisa, kneeling beside him.

“Ah! You don't have frostbite, right?” he comments when I don't stop shivering, “Rei-chan is making coffee, you'll be warm soon!”

I keep my eyes trained on the table in front of us, only watching the extra pair of legs out of the corner of my eye. He doesn't move at first, but when he does, I feel completely on edge. He wanders into the kitchen beside Rei and out of my line of sight.

“Nagisa...” I whisper, leaning in closer to him.

“What?” he asks with a huge smile. What a little shit, he did this on purpose.

“Why is Haruka here?”

“You said you wanted to get in touch with him! And here he is! Sheesh, you need to make up your mind,” Nagisa shakes his head.

“No, I do, I mean... I do but not like this...”

“What does that even mean?”

I sigh, letting my head fall into my arms as I pull my knees to my chest. I mumble over my elbows, “What are we playing?”

“Rei-chan wants to play Catan!”

“Oh no...”

\- - - - - - - - - - -

“Nagisa, stay away from my territory!” Rei frowns as Nagisa places a road leading closer to his tiles.

“No way, there are good resources around you!” Nagisa tosses his cards to the side. Wheat, sheep, wood, and brick to pay for the settlement. He pays extra attention to making the pieces as even and lined up as possible, obviously to get on Rei's nerves. I knew this was a bad idea. Catan never ends well when we play. Nagisa is very tricky to deal with, especially for a strategist like Rei. I stare down at the few cards in my hand. I can't make anything yet, all I have is two sheep and two wheat. Rei's turn passes with nothing more than a roll of 12. Somehow, only Rei gets to pick up a wood resource, none of us are near the tiled 12.

 

“Haru-chan! Your turn!” Nagisa tosses the dice to him. I swallow thickly with anticipation. He hasn't spoken a word the entire game. The table is small and crowded so Haruka is seated to my right, and yet I don't think he's looked at me once. I wonder if that's just how he is or whether he's going out of his way to make me feel ignored. He tosses the dice, rolling 8. Checking the board, that means I get to pick up an ore. Haruka picks one up too and adds it to his hand. His eyes flitter from his cards to the board a few times. Suddenly, it seems like everybody had a lot more cards than me.

“How do I get these?” he asks, pointing to the docks on the board.

Rei puts down his cards face down, “Those are the trading docks, you just have to build a settlement on them.”

Haruka nods, moving four cards aside and placing a settlement piece on the dock nearest him. I now understand why he was building roads towards the outside of the board. Was this a strategy?

“Erm.. you know, you can't win just by getting tra-”

“Doesn't matter.”

“I... see...” Rei pushes up his glasses, raising an eyebrow at the strange strategy. Nagisa grins and reaches for the dice, passing them to me.

“Go, go, Mako-chan!” I take the dice and roll 3. Ugh, nothing for me... again, bad roll. The others pick up their resources and I realize just how bad my placement has been so far. Then again, I can't really do much on this turn to fix that. I can pick up a development card at the least, so I slide a sheep, wheat, and ore to the discard pile and take one. Flipping it over reveals Library... so I gain a point and am still in the game. The dice go to Rei.

His menacing smile proves that he has a plan up his sleeve. He rolls 11. That's another wheat for me and Nagisa.

“Rei-chan, I'm drowning in wheat, why did you roll 11?!”

“I have no control over probability, Nagisa. But I will have control of something else after this,” he grins, holding up a brick and wood between two fingers. He waves the cards towards Nagisa.

“No...”

“Prepare yourself.”

“Don't you dare take longest road away from me, I swear... I swear to god, Rei-chan, I will get you back if you do this.”

“Sorry, I have to or you'll win. Don't be a bad sport,” Rei laughs, placing his road after discarding the resource cards. He holds his hand out. “Hand it over.”

Nagisa frowns, sifting through his pile of cards under the table. “Sorry, I just have so many it's hard to find~” he bitterly adds.

“Come on!” Rei groans. His fingertips travel up to his glasses, fiddling with the edge. Is that a nervous habit of his? I always notice that Rei needs something in his hands when he's on edge. He's probably questioning his power move knowing Nagisa's vengeful streak.

“Ahhh, here it is!” Nagisa sings, flicking the card onto Rei's lap. “I guess that means it's my turn!” He reaches for the dice. With a huge grin, he rolls 8. Ore for me again. I pick up my resource, as does Haruka. My eyes shift up at Nagisa eagerly looking over his extensive hand of cards.

“Honestly, I have too much wheat. Let's do some trades!” His eyes immediately meet mine.

“No! Nobody trade with him!” Rei immediately comments, fingertips already at his red frames.

“Don't be a bad sport~” Nagisa mocks him, “Come on, Mako-chan! I know you have sheep. Ore is common on his board, so you could probably build a city in like two turns! I'll give you a wheat for a sheep.”

I hate this part of the game. I really hate saying no to people's trade offers. I don't need a city! I need to build roads, and that requires brick and wood, two things I don't have. But I guess building something is better than not building anything. The sheep are so cute though... I'd rather have them in my hand than in Nagisa's...

“Mako-chaaaaan!” Nagisa whines, rocking side to side impatiently.

There's no point in stalling, he knows I'll always cave. I shake my head and sigh, “Fine.” I reluctantly hand over my sheep and take the wheat. Nagisa smiles, adding it to his hand. His eyes shift from me to Haruka.

“Oh Haru-chan!”

“I don't need wheat.”

“Eh?! You obviously aren't maximizing your trading dock potential!”

I watch intently as Haruka's eyes flicker across the board to all the different docks. I can't figure out why... but he wants those trading docks... He's not even attempting to build regular settlements!

“I know you have ore. That's something I need more of. I'm willing to give you two wheat AND a brick for two of your ore. You don't need ore to get a trading dock, so let's help each other out, hm?” Nagisa beams.

“Haruka, don't be swindled by his words! You won't be helpi-”

“Done.” Haruka hands over his ore.

“Pleasure doing business with you!” Nagisa laughs, exchanging the cards. I groan, this game is going to end badly very soon.

“Oh Rei-chan...”

“No.”

“Just hear me out.”

“No.”

“But Re-”

“Don't even think about it.”

“Three wheat.”

“..........no... wait....... for what?”

“Wood.”

“.........................................no, you'll build a road and get longest road back.”

“I swear to you, I will not build a road using your card, and besides, I just gave Haru-chan my brick. If anything.. you can use my wheat to build a city. Two points. I think that's a fair trade.”

“Okay, but why would you make that trade if it's only going to help me?”

“Because I need wood!”

“For what?!”

“It's a surprise~”

“........................ugh.......... I'm going to regret this.” Rei finally admits defeat and pulls out the card for the exchange. Nagisa has something up his sleeve... this I know for a fact. And the second it dawns on me, I already know the damage was too far done.

“Rei, wait don't!” I shout only a moment after Nagisa has already swapped the cards. A look of dread appears on Rei's face when he turns to meet Nagisa's devious smirk. He lines the cards up in his hand neatly. Nagisa slowly pulls a single card that was face down off the table, turning it towards Rei. I hide my face in my palms.

Monopoly.

“You.....”

“I'd like all my wheat back please,” Nagisa giggles.

“NAGISA!” Rei shouts. Haruka jumps at the outburst, eyes widening. Nagisa holds out his hand to us. I groan in agony, returning the wheat Nagisa gave me just a moment ago. Rei is too angry to move. And Haruka...

“Do you know what that card does?”

Haruka turns to me and immediately I shrink away from him. His expression shows that he noticed.

“When Monopoly is played, the player can ask for any one resource and everybody else has to give the player all they have of it..” I quietly add, trying to work a smile into the explanation. But I just feel myself shake under his stare. My smile quickly breaks and I turn back to the table where Nagisa is forcefully picking out the wheat from Rei's hand. Haruka hands over his wheat too.

“You're a demon,” Rei mutters, grabbing the dice and tossing them harder than he should have. They take this game too seriously... One die lands on the table as a 4, the other bounces off towards the corner of the room. Haruka instinctively grabs for it but doesn't reach up in time to catch it. Ah... it was nice of him to try at least. He follows the die until it stops in the corner.

“What's the roll?!” Nagisa yells.

“3,” Haruka says crawling back to the table with it.

“7?! I rolled 7! This is justice... sweet justice,” Rei shouts excitedly.

“What does 7 mean?” Haruka asks.

“Ah, 7 means you get to move the robber...” I point to the little figure sitting in the middle of the board, “but it also means tha-”

Rei cuts me off, “It also means that anybody with more than 7 cards has to discard the extra.” He glares at Nagisa who looks just as angry as Rei did only a moment ago. “Come on, Nagisa. I know you have at least 6 wheat. It's time to pay for all your devilry.” Rei teases, crossing his arms and waiting.

“I didn't think it was possible for me to hate you more, but you managed to find a way,” Nagisa mutters, angrily throwing his cards at the board. I glance over at Haruka but it turns out he only has 5 cards, luckily making the cut off. I have three and Rei has exactly 7. Nagisa is the only one affected. His own plan backfired on him. Nagisa grumbles as he carefully picks out three cards to set away.

“That's it?!” Rei cries. Nagisa frowns and holds up his hand, now showing seven cards in his hand.

“I was just playing a good strategy... this is low, Rei-chan.”

“What?! How would I roll a 7 on purpose?!”

“Somehow you did! It was just to spite my awesome strategy, you're so mean.”

“You're gonna pull that when you're losing?! You're seriously just like a kid!” Rei grips the side of his head in agony, standing and walking around the room in frustration. “Are you ever going to allow me to win without getting upset over it?!”

“I should have kicked you out of the apartment when you look longest road from me!” Nagisa cries, now standing too. Haruka and I exchange a confused glance. I guess since I was used to this, it didn't surprise me as much to see them fighting over something so trivial. But this was, what I'm assuming, Haruka's first time hanging out with us. I didn't want him to be left with this kind of impression.

“Uh.. guys...” I speak up during a moment of silence between the yelling.

“WHAT?” Nagisa and Rei both shout at me. I shrink back again when they both glare daggers at me. Oh god... if they're just going to focus their anger on me maybe it's better not to say anything at all. Rei crosses his arms and Nagisa throws his arms to his side. I'm almost sure that they're just about ready to sit down and continue the game until... suddenly cards start slipping out of Nagisa's sleeve. Rei's eyes go wide and he drops to his knees, picking up the hidden resource cards.

“You've been CHEATING! That's how you built all those roads so fast?!” Rei shouts, tossing the cards onto the board, this time throwing off the placement of a ton of pieces. Well that was that. The game was over just like I knew it would be. Haruka slowly backs away from the table, curling his knees up to his chest. I feel sorry that he has to witness this level of ridiculousness. Nagisa balls his hands into fists and glares at Rei.

“Do you cheat every time we play?!” Rei shouts in turn before the blond has a chance to respond. So he pouts and his hands shake, and when he realizes he's not on the winning side of the argument, he turns to the door and storms out of the apartment. Rei is left speechless, and the two of us too afraid of affecting the delicate atmosphere to speak. Rei looks back at Haruka and myself, all the anger is gone from his features. I can't even count the number of times I've seen this happen. His fingers find the edge of his glasses, which he pulls off and on from their proper place.

“It's just a game, Rei,” I mention quietly. His defensive stature disappears and he swears under his breath. With a quick nod, he runs out the door after Nagisa. A silence fills the room and my eyes widen. I'm suddenly realize that I've been left alone... with Haruka.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - -

 

“S-So...”

Nagisa and Rei don't seem to be coming back... and five minutes of silence is more than I can take. I won't forgive Nagisa for this. I absolutely won't. What kind of a guy gets this upset over a game? I mean... I get why Rei got upset but why was Nagisa upset enough to storm out?

Every time I gather up the courage to say something, my eyes shift and lock onto his lips, or his neck, or his eyes and I forget how to speak. Nothing has changed since we all sat down to the table, he still won't look my way or ease up the tension in his posture. He definitely doesn't want to be here. Nagisa must have left out that I'd be here... or he used Rei as a method of persuasion. I can't see him agreeing to hang out just out of the blue like this... Nagisa must have put a lot of effort into this night. Then why would he just leave us two alone like this...

…

_Oh..._

_Just... us two..._

The color rises to my cheeks, just like it has so many times today already. Nagisa, this isn't what I meant. This is too awkward, and Haruka looks like he'd rather be dead than with me. This was the opening I was looking for I guess... so I suck in a harsh breath amongst my anxiety. This night will be wasted if this keeps up... I guess this is my only chance.

“Haruka?” I smile when he turns to finally face me, his eyes wide, probably surprised to hear his name in my voice. He's still guarded when he closes his eyes and frowns.

“What is it?”

“Ah w-well... I'm sorry about this... and those two. They fight a lot but I guess you expected this to be a bit more fun, huh?” I laugh nervously. Haruka shrugs, leaning back slightly.

“I don't know what I was expecting.”

“I'm not sure when they're gonna come back, so... if you want to leave, I can walk you home.”

I watch the way his expression intensifies, his jaw locks and he folds his hands over his chest. He truly is easy to read, and if I wasn't on his nerves before, I am now.

“Err... it's just... it's really late and it's dark. I'd be worried,” I add, trying to relieve any misconception he may have about my offer. His eyes catch mine when the silence takes over again, and I swear they're even clearer than before. I could gaze directly into his heart if I tried hard enough, I very well might have too. But Haruka interrupts my thoughts yet again and stands, straightening out his shirt and heading towards the door without so much as a look back towards me. He stops by the already open door.

“Are you coming?” his voice lower than usual.

“Ah! Yeah!” I jump up, quickly grabbing my phone off the table and slipping it into my pocket, and rush to his side. Part of me is shaking, reminding me of the cold not even complete goodbye that Haruka left me with this morning. The door that was shut in my face and the image of his back that I was positive would be the last thing I saw of him. Yeah, I said I would close my heart and pretend he wasn't somebody who had managed to capture a part of me. I said I would pretend last night didn't happen, that our skin didn't touch, that his name wasn't written on my mirror, that his eyes weren't the most beautiful thing I've ever had the privilege of seeing up close. That definitely was something I said.

But part of me wants to feel it again, even if it's painful. My heart wants to know what caused those eyes to waver with doubt when we sat down to my kitchen table. What compelled him to stay the night, or to show up to Nagisa's place last night, and better yet now. I want to hear him speak without being guarded, what he looks like smiling, what his lips feel like pressing to every single tiny mark on my skin, I want to know all of it and most of all...

Why he left his name on my mirror... if he was already done with me.

If I could only ever relive the pain, I made my decision here and now. I would take it. I would take all of it again if it meant I could keep the memory of him. I'd walk through fire to reawaken the entire night, to remember a little bit more than just the shock of the moment. To stand by his side like this is a sin; and Haruka is a forbidden fruit that I've taken a bite out of. This incompletion is something I will mend. I'll fix it, I'll do whatever it takes.

I close the door to Nagisa's apartment behind me and linger for a moment. Haruka was already walking ahead but... I catch on to a bit of blond hair peaking out from behind the hallway's end in the other direction. I smile, now realizing what a blessing Nagisa has been on such short notice. The little blond holds his arm out and I can just barely make out a thumbs up sign from him. Well... I guess I was never really good at keeping secrets anyway.

I turn and run down the icy steps to catch up to Haruka, now well ahead of me.

“Do you always do that?” Haruka asks.

“Huh? Do what?”

“Fall behind? Meddle where you shouldn't? Things that are hazardous to your livelihood?”

“My livelihood?” I catch Haruka shaking his head.

“Those steps you just ran down are covered in ice. You could have slipped.”

“I probably would have on any other day. I thought the same thing when I first got here, maybe you're a good luck charm.” I laugh. I only now properly zip up my jacket and wrap my scarf around my neck. Haruka has a warm looking jacket, but no scarf, or hat, or mittens, or anything else that would normally be worn in this kind of weather.

“Aren't you cold?” I subconsciously mutter out loud.

“No.”

I'm much more covered than he is and I'm already starting to shiver, yet he seems perfectly fine. He can't be lying.

“Are you immune to the cold or something?”

“Something like that.”

“Hah, never thought I'd be hearing sarcasm from you.”

Haruka sighs.

Maybe it was too crazy for me to think I would get a little more out of him. I don't know what to say or what to talk about. So I settle for staring at his fingers that are slightly curled in at the moment. He runs his thumb over the skin of his index finger repeatedly, before doing the same to the others. I can't help but think that it's kind of a strange habit to have. I watch as he switches, and now his index is running over his thumb.

Is he anxious or something?

His fingers curl in over his thumb, and his nails are now picking at his skin. The motion doesn't actually register with me until his other hand travels over and starts to pull at the now broken skin.

“Stop!” I yelp suddenly when it clicks, grabbing his hand.

Haruka looks startled from the contact. “What?!”

“Your fingers!” When I get a closer look, the broken skin wasn't bleeding, but it definitely looks agitated.

“Oh.”

His response is so nonchalant that I wonder whether he even realized he was doing it. And just a breath later, he pulls up his right hand, stretching his fingers out in front of me to see. The skin around his nails was torn apart on almost every finger, leaving behind tiny scars and opened soft spots. I let his fingers uncurl in my palm and notice the same thing on the left.

“Doesn't it hurt?” I ask looking back up at him.

“Not really.” Haruka pulls his hand away from mine and hides them in the pockets of his jacket.

“Why do you do that?” I'm concerned much more than I should be, I know.

“Not sure.” He keeps walking, well aware that I was looking for a more extensive answer. There is one thing that I am now absolutely sure of when it comes to Haruka's personality. He is damn stubborn.

He sighs again when the look of disconcern doesn't leave my features. “I've done this ever since I was little. I don't know why, I can't stop... well, I actually haven't really tried to. It doesn't hurt so don't worry yourself over something so stupid.”

I roll my eyes. Definitely stubborn.

The snow is starting to come down harder. It wasn't too bad when we left the apartment but I can't even see the other side of the street now. I wince as I try to keep up with Haruka, who actually seems to be having trouble seeing as well. I guess immunity to cold doesn't help visibility.. I smirk to myself at the trivial thought.

“Haruka, the snow storm is getting worse, how far is your apartment?” I speak up louder than usual. Maybe it's because of how bad I'm shivering.

“It's right across from the athletics building. The one with the pool across campus. It's another twenty minute walk from here.” Haruka explains.

He lives _so far_! There's no way we would make it before the blizzard hit full force. The forecast predicted it to be as bad as two nights ago when classes were canceled.

“You don't have to walk me home, you know.”

I glance up, bringing an arm over my eyes to shield myself from the snow.

“First of all, with the weather this bad, I wouldn't be able to sleep if you went by yourself..” I admit, “And second of all, this isn't good for our health, you know. There's a diner super close by here that I always go to, we can wait out the storm there if you'd like. It's open late.”

That seems like the best idea for the time being. It's better than being out in the open like this. I couldn't feel my cheeks anymore, and no matter how much Haruka insisted that the cold didn't bother him, there was no way he wasn't feeling some kind of degree right now. I wait for a response, or at least for him to turn around and look at me or something. But neither happen.

“Haruka!” I shout, stopping in my tracks.

He _finally_ turns to face me.

His eyes are coated with tears caused by the snow. His nose is running, cheeks blistered red, and I only now realize that his neck is completely exposed due to the lack of a scarf.

“You're some kind of idiot, you know that?” I murmur more to myself than him, yanking the scarf off my neck and throwing it around his.

“I don't need this!” he bites back, but I don't care. Not when it's like this. I wrap it around twice and afterward grab his hand, pulling him close behind me.

“Come on, I'll even treat you to some coffee.”

It's very possible that I have lost my rational due to the cold, or my senses have been messed up somewhere along the line. But his fingertips intertwine with mine, and I swear I can feel him strengthening the hold. Even if the rest of him is frozen, there is warmth coming off his skin just like I always notice, and his palm matches perfectly with mine. His fingers curl in over the top of my hand and I can tell that in this moment, even if I were to let go, he wouldn't. Maybe even if it is just for this tiny moment, he is letting down his guard, and it's enough to make my heart burst with an overwhelming sensation of hope.

Hope that he hasn't completely shut me out yet, that I could still somehow find my way back into his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support. <3
> 
> so what kind of coffee does Haru like?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coffee, prove it, listening

It's warmer inside the diner than I expected it to be. Haruka and I occupy the same table that my friends took up this morning, and I feel myself smiling, silently thanking Nagisa for this little blessing. Haruka hasn't said a word and keeps his eyes averted.  
  
 _Naturally_ I find myself thinking. We're the only people crazy enough to be outside in this weather. I'll bet the waitresses rolled their eyes when they saw us stumble inside.  
  
"So, how do you take your coffee?" I ask, sliding the drink menu closer to him. He eyes it but doesn't take it. Instead, he folds his hands over the table and sighs.  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Of course, then what would you like?" I ask somewhat sarcastically. I should have seen that answer coming to be honest.  
  
"I'll just have water."  
  
"And how is that gonna help you warm up?"  
  
"I don't ne-"  
  
"You know, you're really stubborn.." I mutter, folding my arms. His blue eyes flicker to life for a moment and I smirk. It's easy to catch him off guard, I am forever thankful for that. I lean forward and keep my voice low. "You don't have to be so defensive, I mean... I'm not sure whether you hate me or not but... I'm really trying to make it up to you."  
  
"I don't hate you," he answers almost too quickly. My pulse quickens over the sudden reaction and immediate relief washes over me when the words sink in properly.  
  
"Thank goodness," I sigh and bring one hand up over my chest, "I was really worried you wouldn't forgive me."  
  
What am I even saying? I quickly bite my lip to keep any more words from spilling out. I'm still unable to pinpoint why exactly I'm trying to hard to make him stay. Haruka presses his lips together, as if he were about to say something too, but changed his mind last second.  
  
"Ready to order?" A woman's voice breaks the silence. I look up and smile.  
  
"Yes, two hot chocolates, that's all, thanks." She nods, jotting down the order and returning to the back.  
  
"I said water was fine."  
  
"Did you? Must have slipped my mind. Can't think straight when it's this cold," I laugh, knowing Haruka didn't like to be teased. His unamused expression reminds me as well.  
  
"Makoto..." My name rolls off his tongue so eloquently, in such a sweet voice, that I can feel myself beginning to melt right there at the table. Even though there is snow lightly tapping against the window beside us, even though there are dishes clanking and footsteps audibly nearing, all I can focus on is the way his lips move when he says my name. With the way my thoughts seem to run off track when I look at him, I'm probably staring, and he's probably waiting for me to answer.  
  
"So you still tend to do that.." he says so quietly under his breath that I'm second guessing whether he said anything at all.  
  
"Huh?" I snap out of my thought loop, but Haruka turns away. His eyes look down at his lap, his hands fold neatly into place, and his fingers compulsively brush against each other looking for skin to pull.  
  
"Hey.." I mutter, wanting to reach across the table, wanting to lace our fingers together and keep his destructive habits at bay but...  
  
Haruka's expression is troubled.  
  
A deep frown adorns his features, eyes watering in the corners, and when he suddenly looks back up at me, his gaze is hollow.  
  
"Don't act like you owe me something," he says, voice shaky and barely audible.  
  
 _Huh?_  
  
"What do you-"  
  
"You don't have to become my friend, or take me for coffee, or any of the things you're doing. Don't feel obligated just because you got drunk and made a mistake."  
  
My breath hitches, the words that I want to say lost. My mouth still hanging open, I shake my head. He's wrong. He couldn't be more wrong. Maybe I was expecting too much when I thought this night would end well. That Haruka would forget about our very brief history to give me the chance to make a better impression. Was that naive of me? Was wanting a fair chance at falling properly for this guy asking too much?  
  
It's right there, in that very moment, that I realized Haruka had the power to break me.

-

-

The sound of glass clinking against the table startled me. I jumped back, only to see our waitress had brought our hot chocolate.  
  
Right..  
  
We both stare at our drinks until she once again leaves.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" I pull the cup closer to me, blowing gently against the rising steam. Haruka does the same, and he eyes the drink cautiously, before looking back up at me and nodding.  
  
I raise the drink to my lips and take a quick sip.  
  
  
Mm.. too much sugar.  
  
"Why did you write your name on my mirror?"  
  
His eyes widen considerably.  
  
"Ah.." he starts.  
  
I take another sip and find myself thinking how nice it is that the diner is quiet at this hour. Because if it weren't, I wouldn't be able hear the snow outside. I wouldn't be able to hear the pitch shift in Haruka's voice when he tries to answer a question he's uncertain of. I wouldn't be able to hear his fingertips tap against the edge of the mug before him with soft tiny thuds that match up strangely to my frantic heart rate. I truly am a scaredy cat... I'm even shaking in anticipation to a simple question.  
  
Haruka wraps his hands around the hot chocolate, wincing at just how quickly it burned into his skin. I watch as he takes a tentative sip, and he doesn't scowl or frown for once. It actually looks like he kind of likes the taste. When he places the drink back on the table, I let my fingers crawl forward and I cautiously pull back his hands away from the hot surface. Warm to the touch, I would never get used to that.  
  
Again, Haruka frowns.  
  
"There's a fire in your eyes that I haven't seen in a long time.." he starts, "Yesterday was the first time since coming here that didn't feel alone."  
  
His hand wraps over mine, the fingertips curling into my palm.  
  
"When I'm near you, I'm more at ease."  
  
He turns his head away.  
  
"I've made a lot of mistakes... and to be honest I've stopped caring about what happens to me. But last night, your words reminded me of something important. Last night, I fell asleep in your arms and it was the sweetest feeling. You're too kind for your own good, Makoto, and I'm too selfish."  
  
He bites his lip.  
  
"I wrote my name because I just remember thinking that... I didn't want this morning to be the last time I got to kiss you... not like that."  
  
He stands, just about ready to run off again. A light blush covers his cheeks, the red reaching all the way up to his ears. He really is bad with emotions, isn't he?  
  
"Haruka."  
  
I grip his hand firmly, pulling him back to the table. There's intensity, and a purpose; I've been told that before, the fire in my eyes... it sounded familiar.  
  
"I don't feel obligated."  
  
I can't help but smile at his startled glance.  
  
"I don't feel obligated to do anything with you. I brought you for coffee because I wanted to get to know you, even though you might not like it. I offered to walk you home because I was worried about you. I told Nagisa to get into contact with you because I couldn't get your name out of my head. Your name, your clothes, your eyes, they're all over my apartment. It couldn't have been more than a few hours but it looks like it was enough... Whatever happened last night, it happened for a reason, right? And I'm sorry, with every bit of truth I have, that I forgot what happened... but I can promise you with absolute certainty that I will never forget your name again. All I want is..."  
  
I stand up from the table and inch closer to him, until we are barely a breath apart.  
  
"For you to give me a proper chance."  
  
Was I naive? Probably.  
  
Was I asking for too much? Definitely.  
  
Did I care? Not even a little bit.  
  
Not when Haruka's eyes lowered, not when I felt my chest seize and constrict in agony.  
  
I tell myself that it's perfectly fine when I find myself staring at something so rare and genuine: Haruka's smile.  
  
"A chance, huh?"

-

-

So here we are again, back at my apartment, in my room, with Haruka seated on my bed. It's not as bad as it sounds, I swear. I'm rummaging through my closet at the moment. Maybe leaving the diner so soon wasn't a good idea, because we fought through the blizzard to get back to my place and the snow soaked through our clothes a bit.  
  
My hands settle on a plain orange shirt, which I pull out and toss to Haruka.  
  
"That okay?" I ask, quickly looking for a shirt for myself too.  
  
"It's fine."  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch him begin to lift up his shirt, revealing that smooth pale skin just above his waist, over his stomach, up to his chest... He pulls his long sleeved shirt over his head in a long, drawn out motion; letting his head fall back once free. His hair falls messily over his eyes, and yet they are still as vibrant as ever when they open again.  
  
And suddenly, we're making eye contact.  
  
My heart jumps into my throat and I quickly turn away. I shouldn't be embarrassed... I shouldn't! But it feels like he was teasing me. My hands shift through the hangers quickly, until I pull out a thin blue v-neck. Yeah, why not.  
  
I pull off my own shirt and toss it into the laundry hamper nearby.  
  
"Want me to throw your stuff in too? I can do laundry in the morning if yo-"  
  
Fingertips, out of nowhere, are suddenly grazing my back.  
  
"I-If you want."  
  
I look over my shoulder at Haruka whose fingers were busy exploring my skin.  
  
"Yeah, you can do that," he says. Two fingers slide along my side in featherlight touches, causing a shiver to run through me.  
  
"Ngh.."  
  
I spin around and grab his wrists.  
  
"Do you ever stop moving your hands?"  
  
He doesn't answer, instead his eyes settle on my chest, and I can feel his fingers itching to move. They bend and snap against my hold in a way I know can't be comfortable. So I sigh, accepting my question as unanswered, and let him go. Almost instantly, his fingers are back on my skin, running over all the marks he left me with, curiously gliding over the scarce few sunspots I have on my shoulders, learning every curve of muscle.  
  
"Sorry.. I didn't mean to leave so much evidence," he smirks, "You seemed to really like it though."  
  
I laugh nervously when he slides his palm down the front of my chest. "A-Ah.. tickles."  
  
He stops his motions, looking up at me with a curious gaze.  
  
"Remember anything yet?"  
  
 _Unfortunately, I don't._  
  
I shake my head, letting my hands come around his back. I pull him close, until his chest is pressed against mine, and my fingers nessle gently into his hair. "If it doesn't come back to me, will you tell me what was so important?"  
  
His hands fall to his side, all previous emotion in his expression quickly voided. He pushes himself away from me in record speed, did I really disappoint him that much?  
  
"Probably not, no."  
  
He turns and walks back over to my bed, allowing his body to sink fast until his head hits my pillow. Is he a child? I feel like I've had that thought before... I pick up his clothes from the edge of the bed, leaving him a pair of gym shorts to change into as well, and I toss our clothes into the laundry hamper. I usually do laundry on Sundays anyway, so I'd get to it tomorrow. His jeans suddenly are thrown at my back. I glare back at Haruka who was now completely decked out in my clothes; I won't lie... he looks damn good in them. With his small frame, my shirt hangs off him a bit, exposing his collar bones and framing his shoulders. And my shorts settle just under his waist, flashing the top of his boxers.  
  
 _Blue polka dot?_  
  
With him laying on my bed like that, my eyes settled on the deep curve of his hips, and I could feel my cheeks heating up with the thought of how badly I wanted to glide my hand over them. Agh! I can't get a hold of myself. I'm starting to wonder just how easy it was to actually convince me last night...  
  
"Rude," I quickly snap, tossing the last of the laundry away.  
  
"Eh?" he answers absentmindedly.  
  
“What do you wanna do?” I ask, changing the subject and taking a seat beside him. He props himself up on his elbows and blankly stares at my tiny room. Yeah okay, it's nothing that impressive. I mean my apartment is really small; it's just a kitchen, a bathroom, and my bedroom. There's stuff to take up time with, but something tells me he isn't interested in any of that. It's not until he looks back at me again that I see a glimmer of interest.  
  
“Probably the same thing you were thinking about a minute ago.”  
  
 _Fuck._  
  
“Eh?! N-No, I wasn't-”  
  
“You're no where near as innocent as you portray, are you?” Haruka states condescendingly. You know, I find that a bit unfair. That he knows the answer to that question better than I do...  
  
“Well, what about you then?”  
  
“Well, what about me?” He turns over onto his back, raising an eyebrow in a cocky glance.  
  
“You would happen to know all about that, right?” I bite back sarcastically, “And maybe you just like having something over my head so you're keeping it all to yourself?”  
  
I regret my words even before they leave my mouth. Maybe that was saying something I shouldn't have. Maybe that was crossing the line, I mean... I did make a point of saying that no obligations were being kept... But only a split second after the sentence leaves my mouth, I find myself pinned against the bed, with Haruka on top of me, glaring at me with such malice.  
  
“If you don't remember... then it's your own fault,” he whispers against my ear, “They are your own words and your own feelings. And besides... you know what they say, right?” His lips brush against the shell of my ear.  
  
“Drunken words are sober thoughts?”  
  
I shudder when his grip on my wrists tightens, when he slides his body against mine to lean in closer.  
  
“Just be honest with yourself.”  
  
“I _am_ honest with myself!” I say before taking in a shaky breath.  
  
“Prove it.”  
  
I snap my head forward, meeting him dead on, our noses practically touching. That's easy to say from his perspective! That's easy to say when he's the one pinning me, when he's the one in control, with nothing to lose. The tension literally sinks into my skin, settling into my nerves. So he wants me to prove it, huh?  
  
I pull my wrists out from his grasp; he may be determined but I'm still stronger. And before I have a chance to question my motives, my hands end up on the back of Haruka's neck, pulling him down and catching his lips. His muscles tense under my hands but he doesn't hesitate to kiss back. An immense heat and adrenaline build in my chest and it only makes me want more. His tongue easily brushes along mine and I part my lips further with anticipation of him continuing. Anticipation of him deepening the kiss. More of him, more of his taste, more of his hands, more of his skin, I want all of it. I dip my fingers down to the hem of his shirt and I waste no time sliding my hand under it and all along his skin. It's almost burning where ever I touch. Flushed, soft, just like his lips. I catch his bottom lip between my teeth and pull back playfully, earning the softest moan I've ever heard. My eyes slip open when I let go and meet his. His hands stop wandering, as do mine. I'm surprised when I can't seem to catch my breath or slow my erratic heart rate down. His chest rises and falls against mine, and when he subconsciously bites at his lower lip, all the heat that built up in my chest goes straight to another point of interest.  
  
 _Oh god, he can't do this to me so easily._  
  
“Was that proof enough for you?” I murmur with a lopsided smirk. But he doesn't give me the response I was expecting. His eyes narrow, leaning in closer. I gasp when I feel his hips grind into mine.  
  
“Who said you could stop?” his voice lower than I've ever heard. He crashes our lips together again, immediately yanking up my shirt to my neck.  
  
“Take it off,” Haruka mutters in between kisses, and I obey without question, tearing my shirt over my head faster than I knew possible, pulling him back in the second it's on the floor. Again, he grinds our hips together, so slowly that it's agonizing.  
  
“Mmn..” The noise escapes from my throat, but it's not enough friction, not even close. Our lips break apart and he stares down at me, knowing just how badly he's working me in. My hands grab at his waist, pulling him closer, almost pleading...  
  
“You're insatiable,” Haruka sighs, letting his head fall to my shoulder.  
  
“You're a tease...” I pull at his shirt. He gets the message and straightens up on top of me. He rolls the shirt off and tosses it aside. His gym shorts follow after. I admire the newly revealed skin. His hair, now messier than before, falls just short of his eyes.  
The lust behind that look of his is obvious, and I'm betting I have that same flame. In my head, I've already pictured countless possible outcomes of this scenario, all of them quickly buried with a horrible realization.  
  
God... was definitely punishing me.  
  
 _Not that I didn't deserve it.._  
  
Haruka lowered his head to my shoulder again, leaving quick kisses over all the marks he left along my chest. I feel my nerves twist when his tongue slides along the sensitive patch of skin. The sensation runs through my entire body, and my fingers curl, digging my nails into his lower back. I hear him gasp, but his lips stay pressed against my skin.  
  
“Don't worry, I won't leave marks this time,” he assures me. I almost ease up a bit, expecting him to stop when-  
  
“ _Aah!_ ”  
  
My back arches when his teeth bite along my collar bone. Again, and again, he sends nothing short of a dizzying pleasure running through me, his teeth biting down a little harder each time.  
  
“Ngh.. Haru- AH!”  
  
It's too much. My hands frantically push against his shoulders, pulling him away from my neck, still breathing harshly. He smirks when he catches my defeated expression.  
  
“It's... too much...” I pant. Haruka rolls his eyes, sliding his entire body back and off of me.  
  
“This part of you seemed to like it.” His hand rolls over the front of my jeans, pointing out the very obvious state I'm in. It's becoming incredibly uncomfortable to stay in them...  
  
“You wouldn't let me stop doing that yesterday.”  
  
I groan and let my head fall back when his hand repeats the gesture. I want him all too much to admit out loud and keep my dignity. What was left of it at least. His hand travels up to my naval and back down... and again... wait.  
  
 _Is he hesitating?_  
  
“Makoto.”  
  
I push myself up off the bed. He stares at me from between my legs, hands placed just above my jeans, eyes pleading for a command, for the signal to cross that line. I glance at my nightstand drawer and its horribly empty contents.  
  
 _My divine punishment?_  
  
His fingers settle on the button of my jeans. Maybe I'm not the only one who is insatiable.  
  
“I don't have a condom..”  
  
He nods in understanding, but his impatient fingers seem to want to continue regardless. The line was begging to be crossed... should I even be nervous? Technically, this isn't the first time that he's seen all of me but... it still feels new to me. I realize all too well that this is moving entirely too fast... and yet... I don't think I can force myself to say no. Not with his palm still moving against me like that; I'm already painfully hard.  
  
“O-Okay..”  
  
Haruka moves as soon as the word leaves my mouth, quickly unbuttoning my jeans and pulling them off my waist, revealing my green boxers and now obvious erection. Taking them completely off and tossing them to the side, he positions himself between my legs again, taking his sweet time and running his fingers along the edge of my boxers.  
  
“Hnn..” I whimper as his fingertips dip under the fabric. He pauses to look up at me, but I don't even dare look back. I'm afraid that if I even look at him in that position it would set me over the edge. All I can focus on right now is keeping my breathing steady, my heart pounding loudly in my ears, and how cold his fingertips feel placed on my thighs. He's taking it slow for my sake, I know, but I don't think that it will help at this point. He hears me take a deep breath, and he uses that as his cue to continue.  
  
He reaches for the hem of my boxers and in one long drawn out motion, pulls them to my ankles.  
  
I shudder at the sudden sensation of cold air, trying to suppress my extreme self conscious of being completely exposed in front of Haruka. When I finally open my eyes again, it's exactly as I feared, the sight I see is already enough to push me to my finish. Haruka kisses my stomach, moving lower by planting kisses along my hipbones. His hand works in small ministrations around the base, and then without warning, I feel the hot sensation of his hand wrapping around me in such a way that I know only he is capable of achieving. I close my eyes again as he starts stroking up and down in those long drawn out motions I'm so used to by now. My hand comes up over my mouth, balled tightly in a fist.  
  
I fight to keep my composure, but I feel my hips moving against his hand relentless of my attempts. His lips leave my skin and I'm left with an absence of something I desperately crave.  
  
“Damn..”  
  
I frown, leaning up quickly, “What? What's wrong?”  
  
He shakes his head, “Nothing, I just thought I'd be able to hold back for a bit longer.”  
  
He leans forward and runs his tongue over the head of my cock.  
  
“Oh _god_..!” I feel my eyes roll into the back of my head and I let my body sink into the bed again. His mouth covers the tip, and it feels too _unbelievable_ for me to admit that I'm not dreaming. My hands immediately tangle in his hair, almost out of fear that he might suddenly stop.  
  
No way.  
  
No way _in hell_.  
  
His head comes down and he takes more of me in, a burning heat that spreads throughout me so fucking quickly. My breath hitches and he begins moving faster.  
  
“Aahhh... Haruka...” I moan breathlessly. I can feel him smile against me, he knows exactly what he's doing. He knows exactly how far to go and exactly at what speed and... it's so fucking warm...  
  
I tense, each motion sending waves of pleasure to coil in my lower stomach. The better it feels, the harder I seem to pull at Haruka's hair. He groans and sends vibrations tingling throughout me, I swear, I'm already seeing white.  
  
“F-Fuck...” I swear, biting my lip hard, trying to hold back but failing miserably. “Haruka..” his name rolls off my tongue effortlessly.  
  
“Haruka..” I say it again. His free hand wraps around the base of my cock, now moving in time with his mouth.  
  
“Ngh! Aah _Haru!_ ”  
  
He stops.  
  
My eyes open wide with the sudden loss of movement.  
  
But it's only for a second... before he continues again. I can feel myself nearing my edge quickly thereafter. I imagine that Haruka can tell as well, because he picks up the pace yet again. His mouth takes me in completely and my eyes go wide when I feel myself touching the back of his throat.  
  
“Haruka! W-Wait!” I gasp, “Don't! I'm g-gonna..!”  
  
Haruka doesn't move away, nor stop. His mouth comes down around my cock completely again; I absolutely can't hold back, not when he does that. I arch forward, moaning loudly, and pulling at Haruka's hair harshly as I come, releasing all my pent up lust for the boy before me. He moves up and down a few more times before I lose all strength and fall back onto the bed. His mouth pulls off me with a 'pop' and he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand of any leftover cum.  
  
“You...” my eyes grow wide, “You swallowed it..”  
  
Haruka raises an eyebrow and looks up at me, as if were a completely normal thing to do. Instead of addressing my comment, he lowers himself down onto my chest, taking a deep breath and curling himself into my side.  
  
My breathing still uneven, my legs feeling like jelly, I'm far too tired to propose a different idea. My arm comes around Haruka's shoulders, pulling him closer against me, taking in that incredible warmth that I seem to be obsessed with noticing, and that he doesn't seem to mind sharing. I look down at his face wearing an expression that can only be described as 'content'. I can't help but feel a bit guilty..  
  
“Hey..” I mutter.  
  
He stirs but doesn't move off of me, “Hm.”  
  
“Don't you... want...”  
  
“No,” he cuts me off.  
  
Huh... I wonder why. This was enough? If I was in any other state of mind, I would question that or at least fight his answer... but my mind was in a euphoric state that I wasn't about to let go to waste. My gaze softens when I realize that he actually does look really cute when he isn't frowning all the time, and my heart skips when I watch him nuzzle against my chest even further, followed by a tiny laugh.  
  
“What?” I ask in a soft voice.  
  
He closes his eyes, “Nothing.”  
  
“What are you doing?” I ask when I feel his arm come over and around me. I feel my eyes fall closed as well, sleep quickly beginning to take me.  
  
He sighs contently and mumbles almost inaudibly, “Listening.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm bad at life and bad at writing, i apologize greatly for this. i think it's time i go repent for my sins.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nightmares, laundry, water

_I can't breathe._

 

_As I slowly become aware of my body, that is the only thing I realize immediately. I can't breathe at all. My hands reach up and grab at my throat, but there's nothing around it. Why can't I breathe? My lungs just refuse to take in air._

 

_My eyes strain to open, and as soon as they do I feel immense pain flooding my senses. For the few seconds they remain open, it's pitch black dark, silent, and... incredibly vast._

 

_My heart starts pounding loudly against my ear, the blood pulses through my head harder and harder with each passing second. I try to open my eyes wider, but again, there is nothing but pain. Where the hell am I? What the hell is around me? Why can't I move properly?_

 

_My arms reach forward searching for a ledge, or a wall, anything that could bring me to some oxygen, but the room is thick and difficult to move through, it's completely flooded. That's when I realize it._

 

_I'm underwater._

 

_I panic. Immediately, I try kicking, anything to get me to the surface. My lungs burn, the fire quickly spreading to the rest of me as I look for any means of escape. I can't hold out like this, I have to breathe. I have to open my eyes! I fight through the pain to open them once again, and after a moment, I can see light. A very faint light far away from me, revealing the surface and my only hopes of survival. I fight against the water to reach it, kicking as hard as I possibly can, but I don't move. I'm trapped, something has hold of my legs._

 

_When I look towards the light again, there's something there. Something sinking lower and lower into the depths._

 

_A body..._

 

_A body I immediately recognize._

 

“ _Haruka!” I try screaming out to him, but it's soundless. My voice doesn't leave my throat._

 

_I scramble in any possible way my body will allow me to twist and turn to get to him. To move just a bit closer and reach him because if I don't..._

 

_If I don't then..._

 

“ _Haru!!” I try screaming again, pointlessly._

 

_Instead of moving forward, I'm suddenly being pulled back. Pulled further down into the cold water, into the darkness..._

 

_Further away from Haru._

 

“ _Let go!” I voicelessly scream._

 

_I have to reach Haru!_

 

_I shut my eyes tight and fight to move. I struggle against the hidden ties on my legs, around my waist, I scratch and claw at them to let go. No matter how badly my lungs burn, or how much skin I tear off in the process, no matter if I lose my vision entirely, or my very sense of being, I have to move._

 

“ _Haru-chan!”_

 

My hands reach up to my chest, frantically gripping at the front of my shirt as I try to force my harsh breaths to slow, eyes now wide open. I wasn't expecting my arms to be useless, but they feel numb when I try to push myself up only to fall back onto the bed. They tremble when I move, I'm seriously shaking, as if the things that flashed before my eyes actually happened... like some child afraid of nightmares even after they were already awake. But... no, this was a normal reaction, right? What the hell even was that? I bury my face back into my pillow, frowning when the images don't leave my mind. I try to roll my shoulders but I can feel my shirt clinging to me uncomfortably, stuck to my skin from cold sweat. My joints crack one by one and when I finally let go of the front of my shirt, my knuckles pop as well. My entire body aches, that could have very well been one of the worst nights I've had since I've started living here. Even after yesterday's events... what a horrible way to follow.

 

“Haru...” I sigh, turning my head to where he should still be asleep. But instead, I see him sitting upright, leaning his back against the wall, and staring back at me with a pained expression.

 

How long has he been awake?

 

His arms uncross from his knees and he reaches towards me tentatively. With a slight hesitation, his hand touches my cheek and he lightly runs his thumb under my eye to wipe away tears I never realized had fallen. I can tell he's uncomfortable. His normally indifferent aura is heavy, and it feels like it could suffocate me.

 

_Drown me._

 

“No!”

 

Haruka stops his motions when I flinch, he stops looking at me all together even, pulling his arms back over his knees. That's not what I wanted. I didn't mean to voice that out loud. I'm still a bit shaken up. Damn it, Haruka. Instinctively, I reach for his hand.

 

“Don't,” I wrap my fingers around his hand, “Please don't, I'm sorry.”

 

Haruka visibly stiffens, and yet his touch remains completely gentle. His fingers curl under mine and his expression softens before he turns back to look at me. I know I shouldn't, but I still hold my breath whenever our eyes meet. They're vibrant, clear, and I see every bit of Haruka's emotion swimming in an endless blue; if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be able to read him at all. If it wasn't for that spark I feel every time he's close to me, our wavelengths would be miles apart. And yet, I still hold my breath...

 

“I tried to wake you up...” he starts. He pulls on my arm, wanting me to come closer. I try again to lift myself up, and I'm shaking considerably less now, so I inch over to him. Before I have a chance to react, his arms are suddenly around me. His arms, now locked around my back, hold me tightly, pulling me in as close as he possibly can.

 

“Don't cry over such stupid things,” he murmurs against my ear, “Don't say my name with such a sad voice. Don't make such troubled expressions when you sleep. Don't flinch away when I touch you... I... I...”

 

He buries his head into my shoulder.

 

“I don't know what I'd do with myself if you decided you were better off not knowing me at all.”

 

Pain spreads through my chest like wildfire and physically aches worse than anything I can ever remember feeling when I realize what Haruka just said to me. Why does he have to act like I'm something important to him? Why does he act like he has to worry about me leaving rather than the other way around? I have never felt a greater need to shield someone from all the bad things in the world than I have with him. My arms come around his shoulders and I lean up against him until his back is lightly touching the wall again. With the slightest laugh, I say to him,

 

“Don't suggest something so impossible.”

 

He exhales slowly, letting the tension leave his body, finally relaxing into my hold. When I think about it, his anxiety is a lot worse than mine even though I was the one who had the bad dream. I... really don't know anything about Haruka, but that doesn't stop me from pressing my lips to his forehead in a light kiss. He hums contently.

 

“Glad to see you took my advice.”

 

I pull myself off Haruka faster than I knew possible when a familiar voice rings throughout the room. Why? Why do I always space on crucial events? Rin leans against the door frame to my bedroom, arms crossed, and an especially happy smirk on his face. I'm thankful that the bed sheets are draped over my lower half...

 

Covering my now flushed face with my hands, I ask through them, “Laundry?”

 

“Laundry.”

 

I hear him laugh to himself before turning around and walking back into the kitchen. It hadn't even crossed my mind last night. Rin and I do laundry together on Sunday mornings. It's just become such a routine that I think nothing of it when Rin uses my spare key to let himself in. I've never had to worry about company before...

 

I peek through my fingers at Haruka, glaring at me very unamused.

 

“I'm sorry... I completely forgot that he lets himself in...” I apologize, cheeks still burning red.

 

He shrugs, “Not my business.”

 

My heart sinks a little. It's heavy again, the atmosphere of the room, the tension, his aura, everything just added unneeded pressure around my lungs again. One step forward, two steps back.

 

“You can come with if you want,” I quickly stammer, as if that would help the situation, “O-Or... you could stay here if you'd like. It seems like you didn't get much sleep because of me. I'll be back in half an hour or less?”

 

He stares ahead blankly rather than looking at me, or anything for that matter. Waiting for an answer from him is truly nerve wracking, it seems as though that will always be a constant. He blinks, eyes shifting to me for a split second, and then he lowers himself to the bed, pulling the covers up and over his head.

 

_How cute..._

 

“I'll wash your clothes too like I promised,” I laugh quietly to myself when I get off the bed, “Goodnight, Haruka.” Even without a response, this was still better than yesterday. Still better than him running off. I rush to throw my clothes on when I can hear Rin tapping his foot from the kitchen. So impatient... Tossing Haruka's clothes into my laundry bag along with mine, I hurry out to the kitchen, not willing to make any eye contact with Rin, and walk out the front door with the red head close behind.

 

-

 

-

 

“It looks like you have no problem making your life exciting all on your own,” Rin laughs from his place on top of the driers. I roll my eyes. I expected this and I guess I kind of deserve it. The quarters clank against the worn down washing machine as I toss them in and start the wash cycle. I close the hatch and turn to glare at Rin, but he was still simply wearing his stupid grin, making me feel embarrassed for even existing.

 

“You're gonna get in trouble,” I mutter bitterly. Rin has gotten in trouble for sitting on top of the driers before, but for the time being, we were the only ones inside the laundromat.

 

“I mean I know I told you to track him down but I was just teasing you! I didn't think you'd actually go and do it! Two nights in a row, Tachibana! I knew you weren't innocent, but you're a full on deviant!”

 

“It's not what you think, we didn't do anyth-” I pause.

 

_Ah... right..._

 

“That much...”

 

Rin clasps his hands together, “Did you really think you could convince me nothing happened when I walked in on you practically naked in bed together?”

 

“Don't remind me! I'm sorry for even being alive,” I cry, sinking into a nearby chair beside the washing machine. Rin shifts to lay down across the driers, arms folded behind his head.

 

“What even happened?”

 

I sigh, “I wish I knew. Nagisa invited me over to play board games, you know, like we used to?”

 

“Hmm, I haven't seen Nagisa in a while. I should stop over there when I have time... but keep going!”

 

“I went over there but Nagisa didn't tell me he was inviting Haruka. Nagisa and Rei pretended to fight over the game and left, so it was just us two... and one thing led to another, we ended up back in the apartment. And he's just so touchy! It wasn't my fault at all!”

 

“Oh boy... you didn't do anything embarrassing, did you?” Rin turns onto his side to face me.

 

“I... definitely said some embarrassing things...”

 

“And he still banged you?! Makoto, you've got to hold on to this one...”

 

“RIN!” I shout accidentally. I cover my mouth, startled at how riled up I get when embarrassed, “We... that didn't happen.”

 

“What... why not?!”

 

I hang my head, why was I talking about this with Rin. Honestly.

 

“Just... I barely know him.” It's true that yesterday was supposed to be about getting to know Haruka better and yet... it somehow ended the way it did. There's no way I would tell Rin we didn't go all the way because of the lack of... essentials. Maybe my nightmare was a punishment.

 

“That didn't seem to stop you yesterday,” Rin reminds me so generously.

 

_Definitely a punishment._

 

“I was drunk...”

 

“Not an excuse,” Rin teases.

 

“Rin...”

 

The washer beside mine buzzes, signaling Rin's clothes were done. The buzz echoes throughout the empty room, nearly deafening me in my left ear. He immediately jumps off the driers and rushes to pull his things out, turning off the awful noise.

 

“Heh, sorry,” he mumbles, pulling his wet clothes out and into a basket. I stand and move to the washer with my clothes. A few more seconds and I open the hatch before the buzz has the chance to sound.

 

“Is there more to why this is bothering you so much?” Rin suddenly asks. I stop pulling my clothes out to catch his expression. The gleam in his eyes proves it's a serious question.

 

“...I'm not sure. It's weird with him.” I admit. Rin closes the hatch and moves to driers he was just laying on a moment ago. I follow soon after.

 

“Hmm.. this isn't the first time you've been with a guy, at least I think it's not. Are you sure you've accepted your sexuality?”

 

I blush, hiding my face behind the drier door.

 

“I don't think that's the issue...” I eye Rin's cheeky smirk as usual, “I just can't seem to hold back when it's him. I wanted to use yesterday to get to know him better, but I didn't stop him when things started going... where they ended up. It's like I can't say no to him.”

 

“Is he good?”

 

“Ye- RIN.”

 

He nearly falls back laughing.

 

“That's beside the point,” I pout, shutting the drier loudly. I pull three more quarters from my pocket and slide them into the slot, then I press start.

 

“Okay, okay,” he catches his breath, “In all seriousness, and I don't know how you managed this in two days, but it sounds like you're falling in love with him.”

 

“After two days? I don't think that's it either,” I say all too honestly.

 

“Oh my god, don't get shy now! Think about it!” Rin grabs my shoulders suddenly, startling me until I fall back against the driers, “You can't get your mind off him!”

 

“Y-Yeah but...”

 

“You've been with him _consciously_ for two days and it's obvious you want him to stick around, who cares about anything else! Who cares that you skipped a few steps, as if any relationship is conventional these days!”

 

“Rin, stop!” I grab his wrists and pull him off my shoulders, “Why do you care so much?”

 

The enthusiasm behind his eyes runs out, and instead softens to a look of concern. He turns away from me, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn't want to say what's on his mind, and that alone gives me enough anxiety to make me shiver. Rin is abnormally blunt, he doesn't stop to think before he speaks often, but when he does... it means something more.

 

“Rin, tell me...”

 

He sighs and faces me, frowning.

 

“When was the last time you went out when Nagisa invited you?”

 

I raise an eyebrow. Where is he going with this?

 

“I guess.. Friday would be the first time in a while.”

 

“When was the last time you went out on a weekend instead of studying?”

 

“My exams aren't easy. I have no other option but to study, you know that.”

 

“That's exactly it though, Makoto. You don't see it because that's just your nature. You do nothing but work, you do nothing but worry... I see it every Sunday. When you make little comments about how you wonder how your family is doing under your breath. When you know Nagisa throws a party, you compulsively text him the next morning to make sure he's okay. You do the same with Rei, and my sister... and you do it with me when you know I've been at practice for long hours at a time. You offer me tea when I barge into your apartment instead of yelling at me for interrupting your studies. You ask about my training and never talk about yourself, you never talk about your tests, or your classes, you just say everything is going great. I worry about you too, you know!”

 

My mouth hangs open, unable to say a word.

 

“I've never heard you talk about anything like you do about him. So just... do something for yourself for once!”

 

_Is this really Rin?!_

 

“Eh...” he scratches the back of his head, “I mean...”

 

Are my eyes actually watering right now? I've never heard Rin say something so honest before! I smile bigger than I knew possible.

 

“Don't, no! Makoto, stop, don't get all sentimental on me. Forget everything I said, do what you want, just don't smile like that at me!”

 

The driers beside us buzz. I shake my head with a laugh, and turn to start pulling the clothes out. I guess he does know what to say when it matters most. I stuff the warm clothes back into my laundry bag one by one. When I reach Haruka's shirt, I linger for a moment. There are two questions in my mind.

 

1\. Would Haruka be in my apartment when I got back?

 

And...

 

2\. Was Rin right?

 

I throw the rest of Haruka's clothes into my bag and shut the drier behind me.

 

“Rin...”

 

He looks up at me, hair falling out of ponytail messily and into his eyes. Maybe I lucked out with having this guy for a neighbor.

 

“Thanks, I'll try not to let you down.”

 

-

 

-

 

Rin enters his apartment without another word about the subject. I watch his door close and expect the oncoming anxiety that accompanies the new silence. From what I've gathered about Haruka's personality these past two days, there's about a 70% chance he isn't in my apartment right now. He could have decided it wasn't worth his time anymore, or that Rin was too troublesome of a liability, or he possibly even got embarrassed being seen. Haruka was definitely a private person. He could have figured that if my memories haven't resurfaced in two days, I felt they weren't important, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. Possibilities that could easily be proven true if I could just open the door. But my hands shake. The key between my fingers feels heavy, the lock far away, my head not on my shoulders but in some fantasy world where anything that happened these past two days could mean something.

 

And still... I'm too scared to find out the answer.

 

Too scared to walk into an empty apartment, too scared to see him walk away for a second time, too scared to be broken by something so short.

 

I push the key into the lock and turn, holding my breath as I walk back inside my apartment. Locking the door behind me, I hang up my jacket as always, leave my shoes by the door where Haruka's weren't, and leave my key on the side table.

 

It is quiet.

 

The kitchen is empty and I try to make as little noise as I make my way to the bedroom. I close my eyes for only a moment to brace myself for the worst possible case scenario. And when I open them, my fear is realized.

 

My bed is empty as well.

 

I sigh heavily, all anxiety rushing to my chest. He seriously left. So he decided I wasn't worth his time again. Nothing I said yesterday meant anything. I knew I gave him too much power over my emotions. But then again, it's not like I chose to. If it had to end, why did it have to without me even saying goodbye. I can feel my eyes welling again and I tell myself over and over that I won't cry over something as stupid as ruining my ties with Haruka. But that's all an even greater lie. I feel like a complete idiot.

 

That is... until I turn my head to the left...

 

And see Haruka soaking in my bathtub.

 

“Haruka!” I yell unintentionally. He eyes me as I walk into the bathroom, but returns to his own little world immediately.

 

“You scared me half to death!”

 

He smirks, “Did you think I left?”

 

_That... devious child. He did this on purpose!_

 

“Yeah... I did. You've made your point,” I admit defeat, kneeling beside the bath and leaning forward to him. He turns to face me, eyes only half open.

 

“What point is that?”

 

I reach forward and my fingers gently pull back the wet strands of hair, then place a quick kiss to his forehead, “That I'm afraid to lose you.”

 

He hums contently, leaning towards my touch. Just like this morning, he's really gentle when tired. It makes my heart race, it makes me want to protect him, if anything... it makes me reconsider Rin's earlier theory. I wouldn't feel like this if there wasn't something more there. I wouldn't run my fingers through his hair so sensually and he wouldn't let me. I wouldn't pay attention to the pink hues on his cheek, nor would they be there. I wouldn't ignore all reason to just let this go as what it was supposed to be... a one time deal... and Haruka wouldn't have come if that was where our fate was supposed to end.

 

There was something more.

 

“You know that the water is freezing, right?” I mutter, feeling the water droplets from his hair fall onto my skin, “Get out before you die.”

 

“Don't feel like it.”

 

“Then at least warm up the water?”

 

“Join me.”

 

I laugh at the ridiculous request, “That bath is way too small for both of us.”

 

He frowns, resting his head along his arms on the edge.

 

I continue to lace my fingers through his hair in light scratches I can tell he's enjoying, “I will keep you company on two conditions.”

 

“Mm.” He's too tired to even function properly.

 

“One, warm up the water. It's barely 10 degrees outside.”

 

His hand reaches out in search of the faucets but fails to find it. His hand misses and flops back into the water, and he let's his head fall against my arm.

 

“Can't find it...” he mutters tiredly.

 

I shake my head, turning the warm water on myself as he settles more comfortably against me.

 

“And two, tell me five things about yourself.”

 

“Only if you keep scratching,” he nods.

 

“Sure.” My fingers resume their previous movements. His eyes close completely, all tension leaving his body. My sleeve is dripping wet by now but... seeing Haruka like this makes me care significantly less. He wears the slightest smile, but it's written all over his expression. He's content with the current situation, which by default... means he's happy he stayed.

 

“My name is Haruka.”

 

“No, that doesn't count! They have to be things I don't know.”

 

He nods, letting himself think for a minute. At this rate, he'll fall asleep!

 

“I'm 21 years old.”

 

So he's the same age as me. Well at least that was one weight off my shoulders. He looks young for his age, he could have easily passed for an 18 year old when I first saw him.

 

I reach over to turn off the hot water that would soon be overflowing. Haruka stirs against my arm.

 

“I... am studying... marine biology.” His voice continuously grows softer, struggling to keep awake. That career suits him though, in a strange way when I think about it. I'd question the choice with any other person, but it seems like the obvious choice coming from his mouth.

 

He yawns, “I like... water.”

 

Well that I already knew, if he didn't make it obvious enough. But I'll let it slide... only because he looks so innocent when tired.

 

“Two more,” I murmur softly, letting my fingers lightly brush against the shell of his ear. He shudders.

 

“I'm... ticklish.”

 

I feel like he let me in on a bigger secret than intended. Haruka would have never told me that if he wasn't about to pass out. But I like knowing better than not knowing, so I tuck the information to the back of my mind to save for another more useful day. That's four things. Four extra things I now know about Haruka Nanase. Four things that prove he's not just another face in a crowd, or a come and go fling. Four things that my heart can latch onto until I figure out how to break down his walls even further. I wait with bated breath for the last fact of the morning... but he's practically snoring. I laugh and roll my eyes; he's hopeless.

 

I drain the water from the bath and carefully pull my arm out from under him. He frowns from the loss of contact and I almost start to feel bad. I pull a towel over from nearby and lift his tired body up and onto the edge, drying him gently. I pay no mind to the fact that he kept his boxers on in the water...

 

_That wasn't a normal thing, was it?_

 

He settles comfortably against my chest when I start to dry his hair and the tiny smile returns to his face. His skin feels warmer now and as soon as his hair stops dripping, I wrap another dry towel around his waist and remove his boxers, leaving them on the edge of the bath to dry as well.

 

I can almost hear Rin ridiculing me for being too much of a gentlemen. Maybe he has a bad influence over me... since the thought came to my head at all. I push it away, and carry Haruka in my arms back over to my bed. It's only fair that I let him sleep considering I kept him up all night. It's only fair... that I let him be.

 

I climb into bed with Haruka still nuzzled against my chest and pull the covers and blanket over us both. His arms wrap around my chest and he murmurs something.

 

“What was that?” I ask quietly, running my fingers through his hair for the umpteenth time.

 

“Usedto-” his words fizzle out before he finishes the sentence. I want that fifth fact... I refuse to feel guilty about wanting it, or stirring him a bit more awake to get it. I sigh and let my fingers wander to his cheek, brushing against his skin lightly enough to cause him to shiver.

 

“One more time?” I whisper against his ear. He turns toward my voice, eyes still closed. My fingers stop moving when his expression falls. He opens his mouth to speak again, this time... as clear as day.

 

“You used to call me Haru.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this is complete shit, I've literally be stuck on this chapter for like three weeks. I finally figured out where I'm actually going with this story and I've been so eager to reach and write those points but I've been stuck on this chapter... so I deprived myself of sleep until it was finished and OH LOOK here it is. Please forgive me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been one week since you've looked at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody is curious, this is a song that will be mentioned in wednesday: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mehLx_Fjv_c
> 
> edit 6/23/14: i changed the title back to my original title. sorry. :c i don't know why i changed it in the first place tbh.

_**Monday** _

 

 

 

I definitely understand Haruka's feelings now. I thought I did before, but I was very wrong, this is so much worse. My stomach has been twisting into endless knots since he muttered those words in his half asleep state of mind, and when he woke up, he had no idea what I was talking about. It hurt, it really did, just constant pangs of guilt and regret because I wanted to ask him more but why should I be allowed to when I can't remember something even more important? I just let him go home and left myself alone with racing thoughts and that empty feeling in my chest.

 

“ _You used to call me Haru.”_

 

When? What does that even mean? Is he talking about what happened at Nagisa's? I tap my pen against my notebook in frustration a few times, and after a while, the blank page gives me an uneasy feeling. I click my pen and write his name across the bottom. Haruka Nanase.

 

Hm..

 

On the line above it, I write Haru Nanase. I write it as neatly as possible, paying extra attention to ending my letters with long round lines, making the words look at beautiful as possible. I can feel myself smiling unintentionally. I really do love his name. I really... do love a lot of things about him. Like what his voice sounds like when tired, or how his fingers compulsively knit together whenever there's silence, the list keeps growing with each day I spend with him. I could name a million things even now. This is actually kind of silly... when I think about it. Haruka has taken up every moment of my thoughts, and nothing else can seem to break through to me. Not even the lecture that I should be paying attention to right now. My eyes pan up to the board and I cannot read a single word that's been written. My glasses are sitting on the edge of my desk and it takes entirely too much effort to force myself to put them back on. I squint instead to try and make out what's written on the board.

 

“Skeletal Muscles”

 

Not paying attention is a huge mistake... I'm not even supposed to be taking this course this year, but I wanted to finish early, and somehow convinced my academic counselor to let me into the class on account of my good grades last semester. This material is hard, there is a lot to memorize, a lot of systems, a lot of things that can go wrong, and I'm sitting here with a blank notebook. My pen doesn't stop moving even after I realize how little I'm actually hearing from the lecture, I'm drawing little doodles around the page without even looking. I try to focus in on what the professor is saying, but there's just no way anything was going to register today.

 

I finally put down my pen and pull my textbook closer. The correct chapter is open and I thumb through the pages just to see how long it actually is.

 

15 pages.

 

That isn't too bad... I could probably get through this at home after the rest of my classes. That's what I usually end up doing anyway. Rei says it's a good study habit to reread everything that was gone over in class because your attention is pulled away from the words during a noisy class. That's what I have been doing all these years and it seems to work out fine.

 

Yeah... this will be fine.

 

My cell phone vibrates in my pocket, and it's louder than I remember. My eyes shift around to see if I've gained any attention, but thankfully, all the other “good” students are busy writing their notes. They all look so invested in the lesson. I sigh tiredly and slide open my phone. A text from Rin?

 

[I have a bad feeling about this]

 

Okay, in retrospect, maybe telling Rin about what happened wasn't the best idea. Especially after he was all but more eager for me to jump head first into whatever relationship Haruka and me had. Rin had a tendency to overreact... and mistrust people on a whim. Before I even had a chance to explain, Rin was angry at him. For keeping things from me, for acting like this wasn't important or worth the effort, for scaring me when I came home from the laundromat by not being in my room. But I smile to myself when I realize just how overprotective Rin is towards me; that's the big brother in him I guess.

 

[[Don't worry too much about it]]

 

I text back under my desk as quietly as I can. And I'm a huge hypocrite. Worrying is all I've been doing for the past few days. I chose to neglected my studies, I chose to drink too much, and yet, this is probably the most fun I've had since entering college. Haruka isn't a negative factor in my life, this is one thing I know for sure.

 

[I know I said to go for it but I changed my mind. I don't like him]

 

Of course you don't, Rin. But I'm gonna prove you wrong.

 

[[You know nothing about him]]

 

I finally slip my glasses back on and start absentmindedly writing down the notes, directly over my little doodles. We'll pretend I wasn't a complete child for a minute. I'm too old to be writing names in hearts anyway. So concentrate...

 

[Don't start acting like a teenager in love now! I'm trying to look out for you]

 

I laugh quietly, and without responding, I put my phone back onto my desk. Squinting, I start to jot down the words on the board mindlessly.

 

_Myofibrils contain two types of filaments that run along the long axis of the fiber, and these filaments are arranged in hexagonal patterns. These are thick and thin filaments. Each thick filament is..._

 

Oh god, they lost me so quickly. Physically forcing my hand to move is only earning me illegible letters barely three sentences into the paragraph. It's suddenly really surprising to think that I effortlessly made it through these types of classes for three years without any sort of distractions. Nagisa wasn't kidding when he said they haven't seen me in a long time. Have I been in some kind of trance? I rest my head on my folded hands, sighing with sudden fatigue. It's only 10am...

 

“Tachibana.”

 

My eyes open wide and stare at the front of the class, where my professor stands waiting, arms crossed, lecture paused, glaring directly at me. I quickly stand.

 

“Unless you can explain in vivid detail the function of the sarcoplasmic reticulum, which you most likely cannot because you've had your nose buried in your phone for the past half hour, I suggest paying attention instead of taking a nap.”

 

His lower than normal tone of voice causes me to shudder, leaving my thoughts blank and my lips slightly parted wanting to answer but having no knowledge of the subject at hand... just as he said.

 

And just as the entire classroom falls silent, I jump when my phone vibrates noisily against my desk, adding insult to injury. Thank you, Rin.

 

Feeling the intense stare from the entire classroom and hearing the occasional giggle, I turn bright red and sink back into my chair without a response. The professor resumes the lecture and after a while, the whispers die down and people stop turning around to stare at me. This is not the way I planned to spend my Monday morning..

 

 

 

_**Tuesday** _

 

 

 

I have set a new record for myself. It's impossibly late, my eyes refuse to adjust to the slim lighting in the building. My eyes have been closing for the past hour, causing me to nod off every few minutes on top of my books. At least I know nobody else is crazy enough to be in the library past eleven. I guess this was a punishment for letting myself lose focus yesterday morning, but to be honest, I'm not getting much further today.

 

I turn the page of the textbook that has been taunting me for the past few hours, another diagram gracing the page, complete with point six font that's impossible to read in low light. I let my forehead hit the table a little harder than I wanted. I groan when the pain shocks my body and I can hear my voice echo throughout the empty building. It didn't look like a library this late at night. The lights around campus shut off at about 10pm, since that's when the last class ends. The only light source I have is the desk lamp and it's barely bright enough to illuminate the table I'm sitting at. I won't admit this out loud, but I'm a bit afraid of the dark, and I use every ounce of my willpower to keep my eyes from wandering into the dark corners of the room or in between the bookshelves. I wish I could at least see the door. Every here and there, a tiny noise will startle me, like hearing pages turning in the far corner of the room, and I'll feel my eyes moving towards the source. But I immediately shut them, because I know if I look I'll just get scared, and I keep them closed until there is silence once again.

 

I've gotten through 8 pages of the chapter. The worst part is that before this weekend, I'd be able to study in the comfort of my tiny apartment. I'd be able to curl up under my blankets in bed and rest my book against the window sill beside me. I'd be able to use the light from the night sky to read because the dark isn't scary when I'm home and the doors are locked. I'd be able to have a cup of my favorite tea beside my book and I'd actually be able to focus. But when I stare at that window sill now... I just see Haruka's phone from that first morning. I see his body hanging over mine in a dizzying heat. I see his worried expression from when I had a nightmare. I just see Haruka's face sleeping peacefully against my chest, both of us under the blankets together. I can hear his shallow breaths and smell a hint of chlorine and physically feel the heat of his skin pressing to mine, it occupies every single figment of my imagination so vividly that I can't possibly calm down. Otherwise... I wouldn't be in the library... by myself... unable to focus just as equally... but out of fear instead of...

 

Footsteps.

 

I freeze immediately, and hold my breath. I'm not just imagining it this time, I actually hear footsteps. Slow, even footsteps growing louder with every passing second. Whatever it is, it's coming upstairs...

 

_Move._

 

Is all my brain is screaming at me as I continue to hold my breath. My hands shake hard when I reach to turn off the desk lamp. The doorknob is turning. As quietly as possible, I stand, being careful to not make any noise, and I move behind a bookshelf. The door opens, and the footsteps come closer and closer until they stop in the middle of the room, almost directly in front of me. I press my back against the bookshelf and close my eyes, hoping to take up as little room as possible, and praying for God to spare my life for another night.

 

That is until I'm certain my fate has been sealed, my phone menacingly rings where I left it on the table. I've lived a good life.

 

“Makoto...”

 

Huh?

 

“Please don't tell me you're actually hiding...”

 

I let go of the breath I was holding, pressing my hand to my chest hard.

 

“Rei, you scared me half to death.”

 

Rei switches the desk lamp back on, I never thought seeing his red glasses would put me at ease.

 

“If your phone was on silent, I would have left. You're lucky. Honestly, why were you scared at all? We're in a library, nothing bad happens in libraries!”

 

Oh Rei, you poor naive soul.

 

“It's just... a bit creepy here in the dark, you know? I've seen too many horror movies I guess,” I laugh, taking my seat at the table once again. Rei scoffs, and in another moment, the room grows brighter as Rei turns on the desk lamps scattered along the other tables. Why didn't I think of that...

 

“I thought you could use some coffee.”

 

I only now see that Rei is carrying two cups with him. What?! That's incredibly thoughtful! I nearly tear up from gratitude when Rei pulls up a chair across from me at my table. He hands over a cup, and the hot surface feels so good against my frigid skin.

 

“How did you know I was here?” The coffee burns my tongue as I take a cautious sip.

 

“I was actually in here a few hours ago and I saw you go upstairs. I never saw you leave so I assumed you were overworking yourself. Your desk light is visible from the upstairs window so I figured if it was still you, you could definitely use some coffee. If not... I'd just give the extra to Nagisa.”

 

I nod and continue to sip the drink, the much needed energy hitting me almost immediately. Honestly, Rei is a saint as of now.

 

“I might stop and get some for him on the way home anyway, Nagisa really loves coffee.”

 

I catch the look in Rei's eyes before it fades off into something else. He fiddles with his glasses, leaving his coffee untouched on the table near my books. I could have guessed, but maybe... it's better not to say anything at all.

 

“That's sweet of you, I'm sure he'd like that,” I murmur. Rei closes my books and stacks them on the edge of the table.

 

“You think?” he offers a light smile, almost like he's second guessing himself. “No more studying tonight, okay? You're going to overwork your brain and you'll end up not remembering anything.”

 

I sigh but I'm definitely not going to argue otherwise, “Whatever you say. Your study habits usually help anyway.”

 

“Usually?!”

 

I shake my head, “Fine, always.” He nods contently.

 

“So... what ended up happening after you left our apartment?” Rei asks seemingly out of nowhere. I look up in question but he answers before I have a chance to ask. “It's written all over your face, it's easy to tell something is still bothering you.”

 

I slink back against my chair, “It's really that bad?”

 

Rei leans forward, “Unfortunately. So what happened?”

 

I immediately avert my eyes when I remember what transpired that night. I should definitely spare Rei the details, I still can't believe I let that happen. I'll admit that it's incredibly difficult to say no to a Haruka who can't keep his hands off you. I smirk, maybe I should take that as a compliment.

 

“W-Well... we stopped at the diner because of the blizzard. And his dorm is across clear across campus... so we just went back to my apartment. And...”

 

“I take it back, I don't want to know.”

 

“A-Ah...” I blush, not wanting Rei to think of me in that kind of light, “He stayed the night and... I had a nightmare, which is really weird because I very rarely remember my dreams. But he looked really troubled when I woke up, and then Rin came to get me and we did our laundry like we always do. When I got back, Haruka was in my bathtub half asleep. And in his half awake half asleep state he mentioned that I used to call him Haru,” my voice fizzles out by the end, the statement still causes my chest to tighten, “I don't really know what to make of that..”

 

Rei scratches his chin and scrunches his eyebrows, which is just like him. It means that he's thinking, or trying to piece things together that I haven't been able to.

 

“Well,” he says after a while, “I'll tell you this much. I didn't see much of you two at the party...”

 

“But you DID see us as some point, right?” Maybe at this point I'm just desperate to piece things together.

 

“The only time I saw you two together was... when you were both on the balcony. Although, now that you mention it...” Rei frowns to himself, “As I was closing the door, I heard you laughing, and you said 'as expected of you, Haru.' I didn't think anything of it at the time but now that you mentioned the nickname, it _is_ weird. And Haruka looked really troubled.”

 

I frown, “What do you mean troubled?”

 

“Just... he looked really hurt when you said that. Maybe he thought the nickname was too friendly? Or you know, maybe it was the alcohol.”

 

“Maybe...” I guess it does make sense that the alcohol would make me overly friendly to someone I only just met, maybe he was uncomfortable, or maybe he thought I was rude... or...

 

_Maybe he just wanted a one night stand and it turned out like this..._

 

I hang my head. It takes a lot to get me depressed but a single thought like that spirals me down so fast it makes me head spin.

 

“You didn't go home for the holidays.”

 

I look up, confused at the changed subject. But the change in Rei's expression proves that he could tell exactly where my mind was going.

 

“Ah, yeah, I didn't.”

 

“Why did you stay?”

 

I shrug, “My exams ran a week late, had too much to study, the fares to get back home were expensive and I don't have the money to spare. You stayed on campus too, didn't you?”

 

“Yeah,” Rei leans back in his chair, “But it's fine. My parents went to visit my brother so I just stayed here. They came to visit me last year, we do this sort of trade off since my brother lives really far away.”

 

“Must be tough...” I mutter, thinking of my own family whom I haven't seen in months.

 

“Eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend the holiday with Nagisa, so there's that. It was certainly eventful. I think this is tougher on you.”

As I'm about to shrug it off as nothing, Rin's words from the other day flash through my head. Rei is worried about me, although he would never outright say it like Rin would, he's trying to be supportive in any way he can, and it really surprises me. I never really thought about it before.

 

“It's tough being away from the twins for so long after growing up taking care of them. And mom and dad keep sending care packages with letters about how they miss me. It's not so bad on a normal day, but having to spend the holidays alone was rough on me.”

 

My coffee by now has gotten cold, but I take another sip anyway, more so to show my appreciation than anything. And Rei smiles because he understands the sentiment; he does the same.

 

“You should visit them when you get the chance.”

 

I start to pack my books back into my bag for the night, a quick side smirk escapes onto my lips.

 

“Yeah, when I get the chance.”

 

 

 

_**Wednesday** _

 

 

 

The cold is finally starting to lessen, and even though there's still piles of snow on the ground, being outside is nice today. The sky is very clear, and instead of it's normal gray winter color, it's an amazingly bright blue. You can see every snowflake shimmer on the ground, happy to be able to see such a pretty sky before they melt and return to it.

 

I don't have class for another two hours, and I use this time to go back to my apartment and swap my books. It's better than carrying around everything all at once, it's entirely too heavy and bad for my back. I have horrible flashbacks to my freshman year where I thought it would be productive to keep everything on me at all times. How naive was I? I still have the bruises on my shoulders as proof of my agony.

 

It's nice to see everybody slow down for a while. There's barely any wind today, so taking a slow walk is bearable, the cold doesn't blister your skin or freeze your lungs. Instead of rushing indoors and taking shortcuts, I'm actually taking the normal route through the middle of campus to get back home. In the quad, students have built snowmen, and snow forts stand vacant from a snowball fight earlier this morning. I'd bet any amount of money that Nagisa had something to do with it. He hates being stuck inside, so he makes the most of winter when he can. Rei doesn't mind being inside for extended periods of time, he's fine with his own company. Rin... well he's too busy with practice to really have an opinion. I like both, it really depends on my mood. I have days where I love studying outside, but I also hate the cold, so I'm conflicted. I wonder whether Haruka hates being cooped up in this kind of weather.

 

My eyes settle on the figure leaning back against a nearby bench just a few feet away from me, looking as content as ever. I can't tell whether the thought came first or whether seeing Haruka led to it. What is he doing here?

 

I take a few steps closer and I notice his eyes are closed. He's wearing a light navy jacket, no hat, no scarf, no gloves, honestly... this kid wants to harm my health. When I get even closer, I notice he has earbuds in. So that's why he looks so content, he's probably lost in his own little world. A sudden idea strikes me...

 

I bend down to pick up some snow, packing it tightly between my hands. I form a snowball and smirk to myself, because I'm very rarely devious but this is too easy to not take advantage of. I face Haruka, taking one closer step for better aim. I pull my arm back, ready to unleash my attack.

 

“Don't you dare.”

 

Haruka stares me right in the eyes, fully coated with intent to murder me if I so much as breathe in his direction. The snowball drops from my hand and falls apart on the ground beside me.

 

“Ahha, sorry Haruka. It was too difficult to pass up!” I smile in hopes that he won't actually act on his homicidal urges when I take a seat beside him. His face softens when he closes his eyes again and the weight on my shoulders immediately decreases.

 

“Your eyes were closed, how'd you know?”

 

He peeks one eye open at me, “I heard you in the snow. Your footsteps and your hands, it was obvious what you were planning.”

 

I sigh, and here I thought I was being sneaky. I guess I wasn't ever meant to be devious.

 

“You heard me over your music?” I add, still feeling defeated. He shakes his head and suddenly takes out one earbud and puts it in my ear. The music I hear on the other end is calm and ambient. There's no lyrics and yet it flows incredibly well. I've never heard music like this before!

 

“What is this?”

 

The song slows, the beat in the background stops, and I now see why Haruka was able to hear me. The song itself is rather calm and quiet. It suits his personality perfectly.

 

“Tycho.”

 

I blink, “Come again?”

 

He sighs. “The artist... it's Tycho.” I've never heard of them. “Were you headed home?”

 

“Y-Yeah... I don't have class for another two hours. What about you?”

 

“...I was gonna go to the athletics department,” he points to the building in front of us, “but there were too many people.” Haruka stands, effectively pulling the earbud from my ear when I least expect it. He heads in the opposite direction of the athletics building.

 

“Hey!” I stand and run to catch up with him. Why does he leave without saying anything like that? “Where are you going?!”

 

Haruka wraps the headphones back around his music player and shoves his hands into his pocket. He doesn't stop or turn to face me even once.

 

“Not sure, I don't have class for the rest of the day. I might just wander around campus,” he mutters. I can't tell if this is just my hopeful projection... but it sounds to me like he's fishing. Have I seriously lost my mind? Someone has to snap me out of this.

 

“Haruka...”

 

He stops, only half turning to look at me, eyes shimmering in the most pleading and adorable way known to man. My heart has stopped. I can't deal with this level of Haruka Nanase.

 

“Wanna just hang out at my apartment for a bit? I have class in two hours but... I don't really mind,” I choke out boldly. You'd think this would have been easy by now.

 

He faces forward again and starts walking east, where my apartment was located. “I suppose.”

 

He waits for me to catch up to him, tapping his foot impatiently when I don't run. I catch his sleeve when I'm standing beside him.

 

“Hey...” I shouldn't cross boundaries, “Let me see your hands.” But I have no self control.

 

Haruka raises an eyebrow, “What for...”

 

“Please?”

 

He's really antsy, meaning... he's still uncomfortable around me. But nevertheless, he takes his hands out of his pockets and holds them out. I take his right hand, turning his palm down, and look over his fingers. There are fresh tears along the tips, barely any skin has been left untouched, and his nails are bitten down as far as possible.

 

“You really need to cut back on this habit...” I murmur, sliding my fingers gently over the angry skin.

 

“Why?” He asks in a breathy voice. His fingers twitch when I interlock them with mine.

 

“Because even the little parts of you deserve love,” I say without thinking. When I look up, Haruka's cheeks are tinted pink, and it's the first time I ever see him fully blushing.

 

“A-AH! I didn't mean...” I stammer, quickly pulling my hands back to myself, “I didn't...”

 

In the distance, I can see a group of students leaving the athletic department, and one in particular stands out.

 

“Rin?” I say to myself, questioning my eyesight.

 

“Mm?” Haruka turns and sees the group too, “Oh, they left...”

 

“They must have been training today too,” I laugh. Before I even have a chance to look twice, Haruka is heading back towards the building.

“Sorry, we'll hang out another time!” he yells back to me, pulling his bag over his shoulder and running off.

 

I might be a little crazy... but I swear... I see a swimsuit peeking out when his shirt rides up his back.

 

 

 

_**Thursday** _

 

 

 

My last classes of the week are on Thursday, I left Friday open for studying and down time and it was very smart of me to do. I'm barely getting any sleep this week; I yawn hopelessly as I walk into the little tea shop along my way home.

 

“Still not getting any sleep, Makoto?” a friendly voice asks the moment I walk in, body half hidden behind the counter.

 

“Not much, I'm afraid. Got anything that will help, Nitori?” I ask with a smile. He stands on his tiptoes to see me beyond the height of the tea makers and waves to me. The last time I was in here, he gave me a tea called 'Lavender Dreams' which was supposed to make me fall asleep. Unfortunately though, I didn't really like the taste.

 

“I don't have any other sleepy time teas but!” he crouches down and rummages through the cabinets. He pulls out a familiar orange box. “I got your favorite back in stock!” He opens the lid and the scent of the tea leaves fills my senses. The same tea I shared with Haruka on our first morning together, which literally used up the last of my supply.

 

“I'll take it, I just ran out too!” I laugh. What a stroke of luck, I usually have to wait for it to be back in the shop. I pull out my pitifully thin wallet and hand over my payment.

 

“No, no, wait! I haven't told you the best part yet!” Nitori beams, hastily pouring the tea into a container for me, “I've had a new customer lately. He asked specifically for this flavor, which is why I recently got it in stock before you asked. On top of buying it, he forwarded a payment... specifically for you.”

 

My eyes grow wide, “W-What?”

 

“Yeah! He said that he knew you'd be coming in eventually to get more, so he wanted to cover it! So you're actually all set!”

 

There's no way he's talking about Haruka right? He wouldn't do something like that for me... A shipment takes at minimum 3 days to come in... if this was true, Haruka would have had to ask for the tea on Monday... or earlier...

 

“Who was it?” I asked, leaning over the counter.

 

“Heh, by the look on your face, you already know.”

 

_Nitori, now isn't the time!_

 

He hands over the container with a smile. To be honest... I don't really have the money to spare. I have loans to pay off, food to buy, water and heating bills, cell phone bills... and I was about to fork over the last of my money for tea. If this really is Haruka's work... this is beyond thoughtful of him and honestly one of the things I needed most right now. Little acts of kindness.

 

“Thanks,” I murmur, smile all too wide. Nitori smiles too, I think he has his suspicions, but I have my own too.

 

“Can you do me a favor?” he asks while continuing his earlier work, creating a fresh brew to put out onto the tables.

 

“Sure, what do you need?”

 

“How is Rin doing?”

 

I look up questioningly, “Last time we spoke he was fine, why do you ask?”

 

Nitori frowns, “He's been hanging around this part of campus all week... and he looks worse and worse everyday. I know it isn't really my business... but could you check on him? I'm worried.”

 

It wasn't difficult to notice that Rin hasn't been himself. He overworks himself more than anyone I know. It happens often, but I usually notice it before anybody else does. To have Nitori notice... is worrisome indeed.

 

“Yeah, I'll stop by his apartment before I go home.” I place the tea into my bag and sling it over my back again, heavy books weighing me down like always. Nitori nods thankfully and waves as I leave the store.

 

\- - -

 

“Rin?” I knock for the third time still without an answer. He has to be home, the light in his kitchen is on. I knock again, louder and louder.

 

“Rin, please notify me if you're alive in there!” I shout. Maybe it would be a better idea to call him... I dial his number hastily, my anxiety worsening with every silent second. Pulling it up to my ear, I can hear the phone ring inside his apartment too. So he definitely is home, he doesn't go anywhere without his phone. But the rings continue unanswered. One after the other until..

 

_'You've reached Rin Matsuoka, say what you've got to say or go away.'_

 

Rin... your voicemail is too abrasive. I hang up before the beep and dial again.

 

One ring...

 

Two rings...

 

Three rings...

 

Four ri-

 

“TACHIBANA, SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

 

The door swings open, a very angry Rin storms towards me grabbing my phone out of my hand, and returning to his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

 

“…”

 

“RIN, GIVE BACK MY PHONE!” I pound my fist on his door.

 

“Hell no, you're driving me crazy,” his shouts die down to an only slightly angrier than usual tone.

 

I let my head lightly fall against the door, “Look, I'm sorry, but I'm worried about you. Nitori is worried about you, can you please just let me in?”

 

“What does Nitori have to do with this?” his voice again grows quieter.

 

“He mentioned that you looked different when he saw you around the shop this week, he asked me to check on you.”

 

After a moment of silence, I could hear a defeated sigh, and the click of the door once again being opened. Rin frowns when he lets me in and hands me back my phone. I'm just about to take off my shoes when I get a good look at the place. There are books and papers scattered everywhere, piles of dishes in the sink, his clothes unfolded and left all over the floor, and Rin himself... looks worse than the apartment.

 

“What in the world happened?” I ask, looking for any sign or answer from Rin's exasperated expression.

 

“Nothing, that's why I didn't want you to come in. I just haven't had time to clean,” he sighs, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Rin...” I near him cautiously, “It's not the apartment I'm talking about... you look awful.”

 

“Huh? N-No, I'm fine.” He presses himself against the wall, trying to back away from me. Seriously, such a child.

 

“Rin, hold on!” He backs into a corner, unable to escape any further from me. I stretch my hand forward and he flinches, closing his eyes and turning his head away.

 

“Don't...” he pleads. I really could careless about his pleas when he's in this state of chaos. I'm slow about it, but I bring my hand up to his forehead, pushing his messy hair back out of his eyes while I'm at it. He's really warm.

 

“You weren't gonna say anything, were you?” I groan, amazed at his stupidity.

 

“Mmn...” he takes a deep breath, “Won't let me practice... if I do. Can you keep your hand there for a while, you're really cold... feels good.”

 

“How could they not tell... honestly?”

 

Rin tries to stand up straight, but immediately staggers backwards, holding onto my arm for support. The room is probably spinning for him, I can't believe he didn't take care of this sooner. I switch hands, placing the back of my palm still cold from the outside weather to his cheek, and watch as his expression softens from a look of pain to one of content.

 

“Come on, I'm putting you to bed,” I mutter not giving him any option when I sling his arm over my shoulders. He doesn't protest and slides his feet slowly across the ground, leaning nearly all of his weight on me as we go along. Thankfully his bedroom isn't far, the layouts of our apartments are the same. Carefully, I let him down, and he curls up into his blankets the moment his hands can find them.

 

“I'm gonna clean up your apartment, okay?”

 

He nods slightly, face now buried in his pillow.

 

“And I'll bring you water...” I add when I notice him shivering. This kid would let himself die before missing practice. It's just as I said before... a complete overachiever. I shake my head in disbelief and leave the room, picking up the scattered articles of clothing along the way.

 

“Mmmthanks...” I hear Rin moan from the other room... and I suddenly feel really bad for him. He really does overwork himself, he feels like he doesn't have the option for down time, he's kind of exactly like me with school work. I feel bad when I'm not studying, or applying myself to clinicals, or taking naps at 4pm. It's tough, but Rin is a lot stronger than I am. Then again, I have more sense than he does.

 

And yet... even with all that in mind, I can't shake the feeling that there's something more to it. Something that Rin isn't telling me.

 

Both at once, my phone and Rin's ring loudly through the now quiet apartment. Rin's phone is in the kitchen with me, but I leave it alone and reach for mine.

 

“Who is it now?!” Rin cries in agony.

 

I toss Rin's clothes into the nearby closet and slide my phone open when my hands are free. It's from Nagisa.

 

[Round 2 at my place tomorrow starting at 9! Tell friends! BYOB]

 

I roll my eyes.

 

“It's just Nagisa,” I shout back to Rin. I start picking up all the papers off the floor.

 

“What's he want?”

 

“He's having another party.”

 

I straighten up the books on the table and lay the papers underneath so they won't fly away. Eh, maybe the apartment wasn't as bad as I originally thought, it's already looking better. At least I can see the floor now. I pause and turn to the cabinets, remembering that I promised Rin a drink. I also stop at his medicine cabinet to find a thermometer and a fever reducer. It can't hurt to be careful after all, I definitely don't want Rin having to do anything with my area of work. I fill a glass with water and return to the bedroom, where Rin has made himself perfectly comfortable sprawled out on the bed.

 

“It's easy to forget how old you are...” I tease, taking a seat on the edge and helping him sit up.

 

“Hey, we should go!” Rin suddenly beams.

 

“What?”

 

“To Nagisa's party! You finally ended up going last week-”

 

“And that was my first and last party at Nagisa's. Here.” I hand him the thermometer.

 

“But I haven't ever gone yet! And... I don't think I'm going to be able to practice tomorrow...”

 

That _asshole_... he's trying to pull my sympathy strings! Instead of humoring him with an answer, I take the thermometer and stick it in his mouth.

 

“Mahho-to,” Rin tries to plead but I give him the sternest look I can possibly manage. I point insistently at my mouth telling him to be quiet and keep his mouth shut, and I finally get through to him when I catch him rolling his eyes.

 

_Thank god..._

 

I must be having some sort of future deja-vu moment because I swear I can picture the younger patients I will one day work with being this difficult. Rin isn't older than me, but why am I taking care of him like he's my little brother? Well... I did take care of the twins like this many times before when they were sick and fussy. I smile from the nostalgic memory.

 

The beep snaps me out of my thoughts and I pull the thermometer out of Rin's mouth.

 

“Am I dying?” Rin asks sarcastically.

 

“Literally on your death bed, 102.5. You probably made it this bad by swimming while sick,” I lecture, handing him the glass of water and pills. He downs them without a fight this time and drinks almost all the water. I move the glass to his nightstand when he's done, and he falls back onto his pillow, trying to get back in his comfortable position.

 

“If I stay home from practice tomorrow, can we go to Nagisa's party?”

 

I stand and leave the room, again, without giving him an answer.

 

 

 

_**Friday** _

 

 

 

I don't believe this.

 

I have no idea how this could have happened.

 

It's very possible that Rin drugged me... or kidnapped me... or sweet talked me into this because he knows exactly how to make me feel bad and take advantage of me.

 

“Mako-chan! Rin-chan!” Nagisa cries, running over to us, drinks in hand.

 

“No way, I'm not having a repeat of last weekend!” I immediately hold my hands up in protest, ignoring the completely heartbroken look Nagisa gives me. Rin takes a drink and eyes the liquid before taking a sip.

 

“Hm.. this is pretty good actually. What is it?”

 

Nagisa smirks, “Strawberry vodka. Exactly what made Makoto so fun to be around last week. I brought it special for you, you know!” He glares at me.

 

“Nagisa, cut it out!” Rei calls from the other room. The little blond sighs, and finally gives up, instead downing the entire cup himself and running back to the other room where most of the other occupants were.

 

“You're not gonna drink?” Rin asks me in the middle of another sip.

 

“I doubt it would be a good idea... considering the consequences I'm still dealing with.”

 

Rin shrugs, “I dunno, maybe it'll jog your memory.”

 

Huh. He does have a point... but I'm sticking with my sober plan. No good can come from me drinking again.

 

“Speaking of which...” Rin taps my shoulder with the back of his hand and points towards the door. The second I catch a glimpse of those deep blue eyes, I feel my heart jump into my throat.

 

_It's Haruka..._

 

“Did you know he was coming? I didn't know he was coming. Someone should have told me he was coming. Why didn't you tell me he was coming?” I stammer.

 

“Whoa, Makoto,” Rin laughs, “Relax. You've been seeing him all week. He spent all weekend getting to know a very personal side of you, I think going and talking to him is a given at this point.”

 

I can't hear Rin over the sound of my dignity packing its bags and leaving. The loud music isn't helping. The low light isn't either. My hands nervously mess with my hair, tug on my shirt, knit together unsure of what to do with themselves, anything to keep from looking awkward... which is only making me look awkward.

 

“I really don't get why you're nervous,” Rin pats my back. I harshly suck in my breath in hopes of calming down.

 

“Maybe it's because we're in front of people...”

 

I glance over at Rin who is peering into his cup. He points it towards me.

 

“All out~” he sings, “I'm gonna get more.” He starts to head towards Nagisa when I grab his sleeve, completely on impulse and unintentionally. But I guess... I guess one more time couldn't hurt...

 

“Bring me some too...”

 

\- - -

 

This was a great idea.

 

An absolutely _fantastic_ idea...

 

I bitterly say to myself in the most sarcastic tone I can imagine.

 

The alcohol didn't boost my confidence, it just made my head feel swimmy. Instead of laughing with the other people here like Rin was, I'm leaning against a back wall people watching. Specifically... Haru watching. Rei had given him a drink about ten minutes ago and they have been talking ever since.

 

That should be my time... That should be me making him smile, making him laugh in that sweet voice.

 

I look down into my third cup of Strawberry Vodka. A little under half left. I shut my eyes tightly and drink the rest in one take. It burns my throat on the way down... worse than I thought it would, but I actually kind of like it. It makes my nerves settle for just a bit, makes me want to take a step forward and yank Haru from Rei's greedy clutches and make him mine. In fact, taking a step forward is exactly what I'm doing. When did I start moving?

 

I blink twice, and suddenly I'm standing before Nagisa, who is smiling a very evil smile at me.

 

“See? I told you it would loosen you up,” he says, refilling my cup. I open my mouth to tell him I don't want any more, but the words... they don't match up with what I want to say. I just manage to slur out a 'thanks' and Nagisa's laughter fills my head when I turn around. I'm not that drunk yet, am I?

 

My eyes refocus on Haru again; he looks at me for a split second before turning his head. No way, I refuse to let him pretend I'm not here. Especially not after everything we went through. I know too much of him to be ignored. I push my insecurity aside and march forward until I'm finally standing before Haru.

 

“Oh hey, Makoto!” Rei jumps back when he notices me. I smile, bringing a hand up to wave. But when I suddenly unintentionally giggle, I cover my mouth instead. Rei and Haru both give me a weird look.

 

“W-What's up?” I manage through my laughter.

 

“Ah, Haruka was just asking about my political program, but...” Rei looks over to where Nagisa was standing, still wearing that smirk, “I think Nagisa needs my help with something so I'll leave you two alone!”

 

Rei practically runs to the other room, but I still can't seem to tear my eyes away from Haru's smile.

 

“How've you been?” he asks calmly, taking a sip of his drink.

 

“A-Ah, I've been good. How about you? What did you end up doing on Wednesday?”

 

Haru's eyes narrow and smile drops. He looks to the side before answering, “Went swimming.”

 

“Ahhah, I thought I saw you wearing a swimsuit. Is that common habit?”

 

He shrugs, “I guess..”

 

“MAKOTO!”

 

I jump when I hear Rin's voice echo loudly throughout the room. By the time I see where he is, he's already storming over to me.

 

“You have to help me,” he grips my shoulders frantically. I turn to Haru but he has already started walking away.

 

“Haru wai-” I reach out my arm but Rin's grip is too strong.

 

“Gou and Mikoshiba disappeared. I can't find them anywhere. You have to help me find them!” Rin practically shakes me.

 

“Ah, Rin, now isn't the best time!” I try to pull his hands off my shoulders.

 

“I can't believe my little sister would do this to me. I ask one thing of her, Makoto! One thing! Don't hook up with Seijuuro and what does she do?! She disappears with him at a party!” Rin rants.

 

“Rin, she's old enough to make her own decisions,” I try to reason.

 

“NO! Not with Mikoshiba. Not with that cocky playboy, have you heard the stories some girls have about him?! I refuse to let my baby sister be another notch on his long list of girls!”

 

Again, I try to pull Rin's hands off me, “You know how rumors start, people will say anything to make themselves look better! You shouldn't liste-”

 

“I have bent over backwards for Gou's sake so she could have a good life and this is how she repays me?! I won't stand for it.

 

_Okay, so drunk Rin doesn't listen to reason..._

 

“Is that Gou going into Nagisa's bedroom?”

 

I have never seen a boy run so fast in my life. Rin tears himself away from me and bolts across the room, effectively knocking into several people.

 

“GOU MATSUOKA YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!” he screams as he runs into the other room. Nagisa curiously peeks out from the kitchen when a crowd begins to gather in the hallway.

 

“No, no, no, RinRin! You promised you wouldn't do this!” Nagisa cries, dropping his drink and fighting to get through the crowd. Rei follows, wearing a worried expression. The extent of the noise is really making my head hurt. People are yelling at Rin while Rin is yelling at a nonexistent Gou, and Nagisa is trying to overpower everybody... bless his tiny soul.

 

And...

 

Haru is standing on the balcony... completely alone.

 

_And completely quiet._

 

I'm not going to get a better opportunity than this. Before I have any chance to second guess myself, I hurry towards the balcony door and quickly slip through the opening, closing it behind me and blocking out the noise. Haru turns to face me when he hears my footsteps. He doesn't say anything, but he also doesn't look angry. In fact... he looks kind of sad.

 

“Too much noise for you too?” I ask, leaning against the railing beside him. He shrugs, continuing to look out towards the night sky. When I realize I still wasn't going to get an answer from him, I take a deep breath, and suck up my pride.

 

“Look, I'm sorry. I know that I'm a bad drunk, I should have learned my lesson last week but... I thought maybe the vodka would give me some courage,” I explain with a slight nervous laugh. I pray that the alcohol will wear off soon, or at least me saying so will lighten the mood. I don't want Haru to wear such a pained expression anymore. This time though, he turns to face me full on with curious eyes. I take a step back, completely surprised to see such a serious look instead.

 

“You know you said that last weekend too,” he says quietly.

 

“Eh?”

 

“That you're a bad drunk, and that you hoped it would give you courage. You said that to me right here, in that same voice, with the same broken laugh.” He rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It's getting more and more difficult to keep doing this, you know...”

 

I lose all ability to breathe when I see his fingers. The skin completely torn apart, fresh blisters present, long red patches where the skin has been pulled off, and any that remained... bright pink and obviously in pain.

 

“Haru...”

 

He pulls his hand down, eyes just about ready to overflow. He turns away and leans over the railing again. And that's when I hear it. His ever so faint laugh. It hits my eardrums harder than any of the sound inside. His voice cracks when he speaks again.

 

“Why do you have to say my name now?”

 

I press my hand to my lips, eyes wide when I realize what I have just said. It came without any thought and rolled off my tongue so effortlessly, it didn't seem out of the ordinary at all. His nickname has occupied my thoughts all night and I haven't even noticed, as if it had belonged there this whole time.

 

“ _You used to call me Haru...”_

 

“Makoto, I like you,” the sudden confession catches me off guard. His voice is frantic, just about ready to break, kind of like me, but he reaches over and takes my hand before I have any time to fall back. “I like you in a way that is more than just a one night stand. More than trying to run out before you even have time to serve me breakfast. More than buying your favorite tea because it smells like your apartment. More than your scarf around my neck. More than trying to trick you into inviting me over...”

 

_I can't breathe._

 

“In a way that is more than just me writing my name on your mirror...”

 

His fingers close around my hand, holding me tighter than I knew possible. He trembles against me, biting his lip, and when he finally turns to look at me, his barriers are no longer withholding. He's no longer shutting me out.

 

“I can't handle it anymore.”

 

He stands in front of me with his soul bare and I see, for the first time, everything that is Haruka Nanase.

 

“I know...” I whisper, bringing a gentle hand up to his cheek.

 

It strikes me like a bolt of lightning, like the final puzzle piece was handed to me after trying to sort through a million that didn't fit. The things that I have been trying to click into place just mesh, and instead of unveiling like something hidden behind a curtain, I'm thrown into the water, much much deeper than I anticipated, and I sink farther and farther in a moments notice with no hopes of reaching the surface any time soon until...

 

I remember everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly didn't mean for this to take as long as it did. i had a lot of trouble with my start but thanks to some wonderful people (ruby, hannah, kinga, thank you) i got through it; this is my longest chapter... ever... i think. it kind of breaks my heart. bare with me please.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vodka, memories, warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a few months... it's been a few many months... and i have no excuse for this wait other than i'm self conscious garbage and i've tried rewriting this chapter so many damn times that i honestly just got sick and tired of it existing. i really didn't mean to put this off for so long and i can't apologize enough to the scarce few that are actually waiting for an update. this isn't nearly as complete as i wanted it to be, i really did have more planned and it was so much better developed in my head. i just... can't seem to translate it to my hands the way i want to. the fact remains that i'm sick of chapter 7, and if i get it out of the way i'll hopefully be in the right mood to continue the story. like a weight has been lifted off my conscience. this is all that i can say i'm happy with... otherwise it would have been longer. please forgive me... i'll try to be better.

I'm not sure when exactly I closed my eyes or when I began to tune out the world, but it all snaps back the instant I take another sip of my drink in some sort of dizzying haze. It's a concoction of stinging clear liquid and strawberries that Nagisa assured me was his specialty and I am none the wiser but to continue choking it down. It burns fire in my throat, warming my chest as it settles, and the loud music begins to fade again. I feel myself smiling at the absolute blank that is my mind. Not a thought, not a care, exactly what I've been needing.

If it had been any other night, if I had drank any less, if I was possibly focused on some other empty place in the room, I would have missed the sudden splash of color amongst the shifting lights around me. It's clear as day, but I shouldn't really be surprised; such vibrant eyes could find mine without even trying. My body shifts from its sturdy place by instinct, I almost think that I'm falling and about to meet the cold hard ground, but instead I'm inching forward. Putting one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, whatever I have to do to reach the balcony door where my shimmering blue has disappeared behind. My drink is still half full, but I place the cup down on the nearest table I can find. I'll worry about it later. Considering my incredible lack of ability to form a coherent thought, I'm amazed I can even get my lips to form the shallow words I whisper as I shift past all the other dizzying participants, still mindlessly drinking and dancing, getting as close to one another as possible, sharing the warmth from their highs. The heat looming over the atmosphere of the apartment is nothing compared to the ice cold chill I feel when I see his face against the pitch black night turning towards me, and the way his expression shifts when he's caught completely off guard to see me staring back; it's exactly that. Ice cold.

_Exactly the same._

Nagisa's shrill voice echoes through the apartment, yelling something about a spill. I wince trying to tune it out, still continuously gravitating towards the balcony. With all eyes turned to the little blond, I slip past the crowds with unsteady footing, the door meeting my side a bit harsher than I was expecting. The moment I pull it open, I feel the frozen winter air rush into the apartment. Honestly, I would be perfectly content just standing in the doorway for the next few hours if there wasn't something else already on my mind.

I watch the shoulders of the body in front of me tense. Literally every part of him seizes. His head lowers to his arms, resting against the railing in silence. The snow hasn't let up one bit since I got here. If I squint hard enough, I can maybe make out the silhouette of the next building over, but that isn't saying much. The weather is still pretty bad... and the boy is shivering with only a sweater on for warmth. He keeps himself as still as he can. It's easy to tell that he's trying his very hardest, but his hands are completely restless. I pull myself off the door frame to stand beside him.

My breath hitches when he looks at me and I hopelessly try to make sense of his solemn expression. His gaze is almost empty, his aura... defensive. From across the room, he looked completely shocked, maybe even a bit angry. Standing next to him now, I was wrong. He looks so broken.

I wasn't expecting a sudden scoff to leave his throat, or for the words he says next to make my stomach drop.

“Never thought I'd see the day... little Makoto Tachibana all grown up like this...”

His fickle demeanor shifts from solemn to listless. I smile at the sound of my name being said with a sweet voice I could just barely remember.

“You haven't changed a bit, Haru-chan.”

It comes so naturally, I almost surprise myself. It's no wonder I found myself drawn to him so easily. He glares daggers at me for the nickname, but he can't honestly be mad at me for it, can he? We haven't seen each other in so many years.

“I'm pretty sure the last time we were together, you were still taller than me,” I laugh.

Haruka frowns, expression twisting in an obvious pain. I regret commenting on his height immediately. His arms cross and he takes a step back away from me.

“I wasn't expecting to see you here,” he mutters quietly. The words cut deep, it sounds like he isn't happy to see me at all, more like it was an annoyance.

“I wasn't expecting to be here either,” I laugh out of sheer nervousness now.. or maybe it was the alcohol. “Nagisa... he really wanted me to show up... it's hard to say no to him under the circumstance.”

“Circumstance?”

“O-Oh, I mean with class being canceled... I didn't exactly have an excuse to say no.”

He nods, turning his head towards the snow filled sky. This tension is insane... I search my mind for something to say, some topic that we could both latch onto but it doesn't seem like he would willingly go along with conversation. Not even for the sake of nostalgia.

Maybe he's just the type to dislike that sort of thing.

My footing is still rather unsteady, but I shift a little bit closer to him. He watches me mindfully with every move, all the while ignoring the snowflakes that keep landing in his dark hair and on his cheeks. They shine against the balcony lights, I'm drawn to the shimmer. I'm drawn to the warmth I know has to be coming off his skin. I'm drawn to the memory of his smile.

“Are you drunk?” he asks coldly. So he noticed, huh? Well I guess it's kind of difficult to miss... I rub the back of my head in embarrassment.

“Ehh.. maybe a little,” I hiccup.

Haruka rolls his eyes, “Maybe a lot.”

My hands grip the railing trying to regain some balance. “It's funny you ran into me while I'm like this, I rarely drink. I know from the few times I have that I'm a really bad drunk but... when I saw you...”

I bite my lip realizing it would be better to stop talking now, but my hazy judgment doesn't allow the words to stop flowing.

“I saw you and I guess I got nervous. I wasn't sure... and Nagisa kept offering me his specialty, heh. Whatever that mixture may be. I thought maybe if I drank enough it would give me the courage to say something.”

Haruka sighs and moves to lean against the railing beside me. My anxiety triples when I realize we're three stories up and there's nothing but cold hard concrete beneath us.

“And why would you need courage to talk to your dear old neighbor?” he taunts.

“Ehh.. don't be mean, Haru. It's because we haven't spoken in so long... I didn't expect for you to turn out like this either.”

“Like what?”

I turn bright red, not wanting to repeat the words that flashed through my mind just now. _Striking. Mature. Beautiful._ There is no way I could say the things I was thinking when I saw him.

“Just... it was...” I turn away, “This is all really surprising, that's all.”

Haruka scoffs, “Speak for yourself.”

A sudden harsh gust of wind tunnels into the small space of the balcony. The frigid air was piercing, the snow hitting my exposed skin harshly. For a moment, my eyes close in defense. My balance is thrown off again. The small steps I take tip me over into Haruka's unsuspecting side, maybe if I hadn't drank I'd have been smart enough to lean away instead. But, of course, I'm clumsy and I fall forward, practically pushing Haruka further over the edge of balcony. He gasps when the railing shakes underneath him and he starts falling back. I have no time to process the few good seconds that my heart has definitely stopped for.

His cheek is pressed into my shoulder without any warning. My hands are against his sturdy back, his muscles tensing as he clings to me keeping himself away from the edge. My arms wrap around him tightly as I move both of us closer to the door and away from the edge. _Thank god._ I moved before I even had a chance to think. And the only thing I am able to focus on is putting distance away from the open ledge for as long as my head is still swimming in haze. Haruka doesn't let go immediately, his breathing still uneven from the scare. He turns his head into my neck, and a quick thought races through my mind.

_He fits so well._

He pulls back a bit, looking up at me. I could be imagining the light blush I think I see across his cheeks, but by the time I have half a mind to double check, Haruka pulls himself off of me. He lowers himself to the ground, back close up against the wall. I join him. 

I want to hate myself for admitting that in this short time, I've wondered about what Haruka's frame would look like bare. He felt so sturdy in my arms, just the thought of his muscles against my hands was enough to keep my heart racing. This isn't like me at all. It absolutely has to be the influenced mindset, or that's what I hope at least. But his skin truly felt good under my touch. What am I supposed to think when he looks at me with those eyes. It's like reopening the door to all those feelings I thought I had long forgotten about. Every time I meet that blue, it's there.

Haruka pulls his knees to his chest and rests his head in his arms. Just like that, the mood is back to sullen, the conversation at a standstill.

“S-Sorry..” I mumble.

He shakes his head, “Not your fault, you always were afraid of heights.”

“You remember things like that?” I didn't think details like that were important enough to take up space in someone's memories.

Haruka smiles fondly. “I remember the first day that we had to cross that bridge over the river. The one to get to the school? You got to the top step and decided it was too high to cross. You scolded me for crossing without any regard for safety.”

“Ahha... that did happen, didn't it..” I lock my fingers together.

“You wouldn't cross until I held your hand, and even then you closed your eyes the entire time.”

“I did something that embarrassing?” I laugh.

Haruka turns to face me, still mostly buried within his arms.

“You have terrible memory, don't you?” he whispers. I watch him intently as his expression returns to the same solemn expression from before. His eyes close, he seems to be exhausted. He sighs tiredly before continuing.

“When you think about it now, that bridge wasn't very high at all. You had the dumbest fears. Bugs scared you, the dark scared you, strangers on the street scared you. You would hide behind my back all the time.”

I smile, “When I think about that time, the thing I remember being scared of the most was being away from you.”

_Why... did I say that._

Haruka lifts his head and stares at me wide eyed.

“I... mean...”

Haruka narrows his eyes with a frown when I don't continue, “See, this is a perfect example. Dumb fears.”

“Why does that count as dumb?!” I cry. It definitely doesn't sound dumb to me!

“Because I ended up leaving anyway,” Haruka mutters, “What good did it do being afraid?”

My breath hitches in my throat, the reminder of a memory I have long buried resurfaces... it leaves an unpleasant taste. While Haruka was my neighbor growing up, it feels like we were together for such a short time now in comparison. He lived beside me until he was 11 years old. His parents weren't around all too often due to work, although Haruka didn't seem to mind. He was perfectly content being by himself, lost in thought more often than not. I envied him. An entire evening spent by himself in an empty house wasn't a problem at all. I think Haruka might have thought of it more like a gift. Me... Being alone scared me. Maybe it still does. Haruka was my best friend from the earliest I can remember. I've always had somebody there. I wasn't prepared to have someone important to me taken away. Haruka moved to the city with his parents without warning. All I remember about that day is coming home from somewhere and seeing boxes piled along the stone steps above my house. By the time I ran over and knocked on the door, there was nobody left, and Haruka had been taken from my life.

I was a child. Friends move, nothing is permanent, I understood that... but Haruka was special. Haruka understood things I've only dreamed of. There were so many things I still had planned, so many things I never got to say, explanations that were never received. My mother told me that it would be better for me to just let it go. Dwelling on the past only prevents you from moving forward. I had many other friends, she said I would be okay.

That's one thing I never quite got. Having other people tell me whether I'd be okay or not. It was never their call to begin with. It wasn't their burden to shoulder or pass judgment on. Pain is subjective. They didn't have the first clue... that all my dreams were always submerged underwater because I had been missing a crucial piece of myself. That a part of what I always wanted to be would never be achievable. That I was always endlessly reaching towards a surface that was just a little bit too far. That water filled my lungs whenever I thought back to that time.

_I was drowning._

Haruka's worried gaze suddenly breaks through my inner thoughts. I have to blink a few times to make sure I'm really seeing it. _Worried?_ It's like he can hear every word I'm thinking; that there is real struggle within my heart this whole time. Did he understand that when he left? Did he understand it now?

“I think that just by standing next to you, I felt more hopeful,” I lower my head to his shoulder. Whether it's too bold of a gesture after only being together again for such a short time... I couldn't care less. Liquid courage is only a small part of this equation anymore. Haruka shifts in place a bit, but he doesn't move away. Instead, his forehead presses into my hair, his eyes shut tightly, his whole body still shivering from the cold.

“It wasn't easy for me either, you know...” he whispers. I lean into him, his neck barely an inch away from my lips. His fingers brush against mine. I wonder whether it's on purpose or just due to his restlessness, but I take his hand with a firm grasp. I didn't expect for him to feel so warm due to how much he was shivering, but then again, maybe it wasn't from the cold afterall.

“Isn't it funny...” I mumble against his neck, “How it feels like we picked up right where we left off?”

Haruka nods against me, “I don't think this is exactly how we left off.”

“It should have been,” I say before my better judgment stops me. “Hey... tell me something.”

“Hm..”

“Why did your parents move you to the city with them?”

 

Haruka falls silent. I tilt my head upward to catch his glance, but he's looking elsewhere, his fingers instinctively attacking the skin on each other. Ah... old habits die hard I guess. I remember this habit of his from childhood. His distraction from words whenever there was too much on his mind. He moves to pull off skin, but I grip his hand tighter. He sucks in a harsh breath before glancing down at me again.

“You don't know?”

I shake my head, “Not a clue.”

He hums to himself in thought, “I'll tell you some other day then.”

Part of me wants to pry, I've been wondering for so many years. But there's another part of me, a stronger part, that latches onto the fact that... he plans to see me again. That this encounter wasn't going to be the last. I can't be reading too much into it...

“Haru...”

He nuzzles into my hair again, this time in warning. He knows I want more.

“We should probably go inside...” he mumbles, starting to pull himself off me. I don't let go of his hand, I have no intention to stand up yet. I don't think I have the inner strength to break our contact.

“The world is still spinning,” It's not exactly a lie. I strengthen my grip all while pulling him slightly closer. His eyes close in exasperation, but he returns to my side once again to borrow my warmth.

He leans in close... closer than I was expecting actually. His gentle fingers touch my cheek, thumb sweeping across cold skin and tucking away loose strands of my hair that have fallen into my eyes. I can feel myself burning.

“Are you feeling okay aside from the alcohol?” he asks in a serene voice. I don't deserve to grace his presence. His incredibly beautiful presence.

I nod, making sure to get a good look at his eyes while he was this close to me. I can see every single spec and shade there is to them, every waver and every shimmer. Mine wander, naturally, lower to his nose. And to his cheeks. And his lips... until I realize I'm locked in place, unable to tear my gaze away from how they slightly part with every breath he takes.

I didn't need alcohol to admit to myself that Haruka was my first crush. It was painfully obvious to me when I walked into an empty house expecting to find him and felt more broken than I ever knew possible when he wasn't there. I didn't piece things together until I was a bit older... but still, it's been too long since then to be dwelling on something of the past.

_Who am I kidding?_

My chest is constricting just from staring at his lips, there was absolutely no change. I had to be insane to think otherwise. I could have gone my entire life without remembering what his touch felt like or what his voice sounded like. I could have never found out that I'm the taller one now. I could have lived peacefully without being introduced to the deep blue of his eyes that stole away any repression of those old feelings. I could have forgotten his voice, his skin, his smile, but I'm so glad I didn't.

“Haru, you're not just going to disappear from me again, are you?” I wonder out loud. Haruka shakes his head.

“You're really here, right?” I wobble a bit trying to straighten my posture, “This isn't a hallucination, right?”

Haruka gives me that look, the one that causes my stomach to flip. I can't even take it. His answer is written clearly.

“Did you want to forget?” I boldly ask, staring back wide eyed for an answer I wasn't sure I could be prepared for.

And it's true, I definitely could not have been prepared.

My vision goes dark. It takes a few seconds to realize that my eyes have closed, and that hot feeling is Haruka pressing his lips against mine. It's such a contrast from the frigid air surrounding us, like it's threatening to burn me. He moves with care but is fueled by need. His hands grab at my shoulders keeping me firmly in place against the wall as he parts my lips, seeking something more. Our tongues meet roughly; if I thought my world was spinning before I was wrong. I've thought about what this would feel like before. I expected it to be a bit more timid, but Haruka isn't holding back at all. I'd fully believe that he wanted this more than I did if it wasn't for how hard my heart was pounding.

“Haaaru..” I moan into the kiss, and that alone is enough for him to break. His hands slide from my shoulders to my sides, fingers dipping under my shirt frantically. Timid is the furthest thing from what this happens to be turning into. His movements are desperate, skin seeking motions. He stops himself though before getting too far, sucking in a shuddering breath, his hands still firmly pressed against me, and mine against him. He presses his forehead to mine, our lips just centimeters apart before his eyes slip open and meet mine.

“Who's forgetting?”

I just barely catch the break in his voice before I'm clouded with bliss again. His lips ghosting over my neck, his hands pulling my shirt aside to attack the normally hidden skin, god... he's insatiable.

“Don't make me wait any longer..” he mutters into my skin.

 

\- - - -

 

I blink a few times, the sight before me not becoming any clearer. The memories mesh together so quickly that I almost fall back over the same balcony from before. Haru's eyes are watching me so intensely, every atom in his being waiting for me to spill even a single word, because what has just become obvious to me must be written all over my expression. Just how on edge he looks... the twisting feeling that forms in my chest is so far past guilt it would be an insult to describe it as such. This... this is a crime.  
“I thought I lost you for good this time...” Haru bites his lip as he speaks. My grip on the balcony rail is unsteady, and I don't trust myself for even a second longer. I pull myself away from the edge and take a timid step towards a sudden familiar sense of home. A direction I have forgotten existed. A way I had long since headed towards.

“Haru... how long has it been?” I quietly ask.

_He still won't look at me._

“It doesn't matter..”

“Of course it matters! I haven't seen you in years!” I cry, “It's been... years, Haru... and I spent a week treating you like a stranger that I was trying to get to know.”

He flinches at my raised tone. My shoulders sink without intention, the dejected look that crosses his features entirely my fault. This is wrong.

My hands cover my eyes without warning, fingers curling tight, the only thing I can do to keep myself together.

“I was a whole world away, and you just handed me a map...”

Haru's eyes flicker, and I have never seen someone turn their attention to me this quickly. The gaze so sharp it could slice clean through the tension we both heavily feel.

“I'm not your compass, Makoto,” Haru mutters.

It happens quicker than I am able to notice. Maybe somewhere down the road it would make sense... as one of those little moments that actually meant something big. But as I watch my hand reaching for Haru's, as I watch the glaze in his eyes disappear with a shimmer, I feel my lips tugging into a smile. I feel my soul rest as I'm struck with understanding.

“Why didn't you say anything? You could have just reminded me... or at least mentioned that you are that one neighbor I knew a little too well..”

Haru shrugs, entirely expressionless. And somehow, I feel more at ease than before. With his frigid skin below my fingertips, shivering under my misplaced warmth, I feel more whole knowing my memory is once again put together. And even if Haru didn't want his expression read, I can feel the weight that has been lifted off his shoulders.

"Maybe you didn't want to remember," he nearly whispers.

I take a step closer, pressing our foreheads together, "Don't say such ridiculous things."

He leans into me, his arms finding my sides comfortably. I turn, shielding him from the cold, guiding him back towards the door.

"We've been out here too long.." my voice lowers in time with the silence. The music from inside has paused momentarily, shifting between songs. The moment isn't lost on me. "We should go somewhere warm.."

Haru pulls me close, cheek finding my shoulder, "You're warm."

I sigh contently. This familiarity is something I know I'll get used to easily.

"Do you want to go back to my place? You know it's not that far.."

Haru nods quickly.

Just like we left off.

Just like the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry.


End file.
